sometimes quiet is violent

I think it's in Easy A, where the main character Olive talks about how it's funny that in movies the material you're studying in school always seems to have some relationship or meaning in the struggles you're currently going through. I guess I could say something similar to my own life, though it isn't material in school, rather just a book I'm reading on my own. The last month or so has been really tough on me, mentally speaking. I'm not going to go into the gory details as that would be over sharing and would possibly lead to me never being able to look anyone in the eye ever again. But, this tough time has made me feel a whole bunch of feelings, mostly in the negatives. Now, however, after the biggest storm has passed, I'm left feeling very apathetic. You know the kind of apathy that permeates your whole life, where things you were previously interested in just don't seem that great anymore, and you don't feel like putting in effort to se

Before I start on this seemingly bitter and cynical rant about love and soul mates I need you to understand that I am not, in fact, either of those. Well, not completely. Hell, I'm 20-years old, barely dipping my feet in the pond of actual life, who am I to talk about love with any kind of authority whatsoever? So let it be known that I'm writing this post merely from the point of view of a young woman who has grown up in modern society, drank in the discourse surrounding love and relationships, and as someone who has never been in love. There's a specific set of ideologies and thoughts surrounding the idea of soul mates. Usually these revolve around there being one soul, or person, out there for you, and that you are meant to be together, and that cosmic forces have determined this. Take for example the story Plato tells, where Zeus in his anger split up us humans into two pieces, condemning us to spend our lives searching for that other half that would complete us (usef

It's one of those times when I feel like words can't fully describe what I'm feeling. A bit less than a week until I fly back to Scotland for my second year of university, and my feelings are all over the place. I don't know what I expected when I left in May and said goodbye to the people who had been by my side for the past year. Certainly not this amount of pure need to hear someone's laugh or see the way their eyes crinkle when they smile, or how they look sitting at the breakfast table eating cookies. I naively didn't think it would be this hard to be apart from my friends for the summer holiday, but almost my entire time at home has been shadowed by a growing longing to see everyone again and spend time in their company. Not to say I haven't enjoyed my time here with my friends and family, but I can't shut out the other part of my life, no matter how hard I try. I'm so optimistic for my second year. We have a beautiful flat and I have the b

Ever since I was a child, the way I've watched movies is by watching them with my family. This has largely continued up until now, since I am a very bad solo-watcher and can never seem to finish a film or a TV-show if there's no one else with me. When I got to film school everyone kept talking about classics and mentioning movies I knew I should've seen but I hadn't. So now I have a list on my phone of what movies I need to see eventually, and I'm trying to work my way through. As a bit of a motivator I've decided to collect my favorites of every month and provide some kind of a review of them in case anyone else is interested in seeing some of them! These films are not necessarily from the list, and might just be something I happened to see or was recommended to me, so do not quote me on the "classics" part! It goes against all of my writers instincts to post something that is essentially me expressing my opinion on a film, because I still find it

This summer feels very insignificant. I feel like I'm just floating around, going places and doing things and talking to people but my mind is somewhere completely different. I'm very much between two places and it's off-putting. I've been doing fun stuff, like having picnics and coffee and cooking yummy vegan food and learning the ukulele, but I've also been doing not so fun stuff like fighting and crying and wanting to go back to Scotland sooner than September. I foolishly didn't think that this summer would be that hard. Turns out not seeing the people you're used to seeing everyday kind of messes with your sense of loneliness. Not saying that my friends here back home aren't dear to me too, but having been gone for a year I'm more of a visiting guest now. I know I'll never be able to go back in time and experience the stuff they experienced together without me so I'm happy just going along and experiencing things with them now. That mon

This post is in no way meant to be some kind of boasting "holier than thou" type thing where I just talk about how good of a person I am for buying my clothes second hand, but rather just a chance for me to share some of my thoughts around this specific issue. It's hard to speak about subjects like this that often make people feel guilty, because it can lead to dislike towards the person who brought the issue up, even though I'm honestly just sharing my thoughts and I don't go around silently judging everyone for shopping in stores. My mother and father have promoted specific values in our family since we were born. I've worn hand-me-down's since I was a little kid (it was free and I've always been rather small, so cousins and friends have gladly given me their old thigns), and we were given pocket money to teach us the value of money and that it is not a never ending fountain but that it can run out. We were taught about the Fairtrade system and we

Most of you probably remember when Harry Potter was just starting as a phenomenon for our generation. People were lining up to buy the new book, the movies were still being made and Harry Potter was just absolutely everywhere. I was a part of the group of kids that loved all of it. I inhaled the books and had to painfully wait for the last two, went to see all the films as soon as they came out and made myself a cape, riding around on the broom we used to clean leaves out of our yard. Me and my neighbors came up with a game called Voldemort-tag, but it wasn't a very lasting game as it was easy to just point to someone and say "Avada Kedavra". Anyway, all of this is just to show that I was really very into Harry Potter.  As with my other books, I brought my Harry Potter books to school. I soon realised I might have just been the only child reading this series. I went to a Christian school for 8 of my 9 years in basic education. This meant a lot of things, but

Maybe the books in our life wait for the right time for us to read them. This thought came to me as I sat on my floor having just finished writing in my diary for the day. I've spent the last three evenings reading a few chapters of The Fellowship of the Ring to help me get to sleep, and the ease at which I read this book has surprised me. I remember taking up the same book six or seven years ago and having to stop reading it before I even got a hundred pages in, because the language was too difficult and too boring for me to be entertained. I'd seen the movies many times by then, so I assumed I wasn't really missing much anyway (I was wrong). Over on Christmas holiday I saw the book on my parents' bookshelf and decided to take it with me, "for the flight" I told myself. I'd been avoiding the book for a while, thinking it was just too difficult for me to read, but as I opened it again a few days ago, just trying to find something I could read before be

Recently I’ve been involved in a situation that has brought a lot of anxiety into my life. Anxiety I didn’t know I could have. So, the past six days have been like a grey cloud over me. The base feeling is always fear. I don’t want to go outside my flat alone, outside my room alone, in the elevator alone. My confidence has plummeted; I tried filming a video yesterday and everything about it felt off. I feel like everyone is whispering about me, that misinformation is spreading of me, like everyone I meet knows something about me I don’t. I’ve always been someone who flinches at loud noises, but that has just been turned up a notch. I flinch at noises outside my window and sounds in my hallway. I was feeling a bit better about everything last night, like the grudge that was being held would be forgotten soon, and then people came to my door at four in the morning and said some rude things and made noise. I was absolutely terrified and now I feel like all the progress I’ve been

Hi guys! So as some of you might have noticed, I have recently begun making new videos for my youtube channel. Those that have been around since 2011 know that I have been making them for several years, but most of those videos are hidden now. Really, I have several reasons why I have started creating things in video form again, and I'm discovering new problems that didn't really affect me back in 2011 and 2012. Some of the main differences between 15-year old me and 20-year old me are very easy to point out. 15-year old me cared less what people thought, was less of a perfectionist, and wasn't comparing herself to other video makers. 20-year old me is highly self aware of absolutely EVERYTHING concerning her video making process. I saved up and upgraded from a little 70€ Canon digital camera to the Canon 700D (my first DSLR I'm so proud), but the camera only changes the quality, not the content. I, as I'm aware most creative types, suffer from all kinds of anxi

Hi! Today's post is not depressing or preachy or anything to do with current social affairs or elections so if that stuff stresses you out you're in luck. I've recently taken a few steps forward towards my goals in life and I figured that writing about them will make them more real to me while simultaneously informing anyone who cares about my life so here goes. I bought a camera. In order to understand how much this means to me some backstory is required. I've worked most of my life with a simple pocket digital camera that had bad audio quality and a stain on the lens that wouldn't come off. I took thousands of photos with that camera, filmed all of my videos (for my questionable youtube channel), captured hours of footage of family and friends. I was aware of the shortcomings of this camera but really there was nothing I could do but hope one day I'd be able to invest in a DSLR. Then I decided to go into the film business by studying the subject at uni and t

Hi, Today's thoughts are something I decided to write about because of a thing that recently happened to me. It brought up a bunch of memories of experiences that I'd gladly forgotten and I felt like now was the time to write about them. These thoughts and experiences have to do with sexual harassment so if that is something that triggers bad things for you feel free to click away. I'm going to write about this from my own perspective, so while I acknowledge that men also can get sexually harassed, that is not what todays post is about. Often when women write about sexual harassment experiences its something that for them has started when they were very young, and has continued widely into their adult life. The comment sections fill with other women's experiences and it begins to look horrifying with how many things some people have had to live through. I'm lucky in a way, that I've only had a few bad experiences. But still, those experiences have affected m