Reflections (warning: sappy)
Hi! I'm rewriting this for the fourth time and forcing myself to stop thinking about anyone else's reaction and focus on who these posts are really for - future me. Things right now feel weird and liminal. It's 2.03am, so that might be one of the reasons for this unsettling mood, but it's also the fact that everything is changing. I don't know if I'll remember how I felt now, because I sure as hell know I can't remember how I was feeling before I started this whole university thing four years ago (and that is one of the reasons I'm glad this blog still exists, empty as it may be lately, because I can go read all about it).
Every year this blog gets a panicky summer update, so I felt it was time to continue that tradition, but it is also the end of an era. That feels very over dramatic to say, but it's true. Just like when I moved here, everything is changing again. I'm moving back to Finland, and though I no longer see that as a sign I've failed "out in the world", I'm still losing the place I've spent a few years carving out for myself. As excited as I am about a new apartment and a new job and, well, a whole new life, I'm also terrified. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and completely freak out, but I have spent the last four years transforming from an extrovert into an introvert, and the idea of making new friends in a new environment is not exciting. I feel tremendous guilt about how bad I am at keeping in contact with people I am not around every day, because I live off actual contact and virtual messaging does little to convey feeling. It happened when I moved here, and I know it will happen when I leave now. I'm going to disappear from this part of the world and remain in people's memories for a moment.
I'm happy to move back, I really am. I love Finland and living here in Scotland has helped me appreciate my home country a lot more. However, I'm genuinely shocked there are still people who care about how I'm doing and want to meet up with me and talk with me back home. I did not mean to burn my bridges, but it feels like I have, so your interest means a lot. I don't know why you're interested, but I appreciate it. If we used to hang out or go to school together or something, and you want to meet up or talk, please do get in contact! It's my base assumption that no one from my past really cares anymore (which is valid, I've been gone for four years and I'm shit at keeping in contact) so I find it really difficult to express interest in getting back in touch with people because I'm afraid they'll reject me or make me feel like I'm using them.
I don't want to become "that girl who studied abroad and it's all she ever talks about". I really don't. That girl is boring, never living in the moment and always thinking about how things are better somewhere else in the world. But I don't know how I'm meant to integrate this experience into my life without letting it define me. These have been amazing years and have really developed me into who I am, but I want to be something else too. But, enough fears and insecurities. It's now time for the once in a lifetime opportunity to do a comprehensive pre- and post- uni comparison of me, myself and I. This is mostly for me to feel like I have my life together, so feel free to skip this self-indulgent section.
I like cleaning now. Can you believe? Pre-uni Rebecca's room was always a state and she didn't care much for organisation, but a transformation has occurred! Part of the credit goes to Marie Kondo, the patron saint of folding socks, but really all she's done is given me a method by which to organise myself. It's funny how much my brain noise started quieting down after I started properly cleaning my desk and my clothes and doing my laundry at regular intervals.
I've become better at make up, or at least found ways to use make up in ways that are more flattering to me. Pre-uni Rebecca used thick black eyeliner, no primer or eyeshadow or nothin'. I mean, she rarely wore make up anyway, but when she did it was pretty much just that. I can't say I feel any more of a pressure to wear make up now than I did then, because I'm still pretty cool with my natural face, but I feel more confident about my skills at using make up creatively. I've spent years wanting to learn proper eyeshadow techniques and apply blush and lip tint etc., so to have made the effort and started to learn means a lot to me.
I've found the time to read again, which really means a lot to me. Pre-uni Rebecca stopped reading in her second year in high school, and the loss of an important hobby was sad and really bothered me. I only started to really fix this about halfway into university, but now, 25 books into 2019 I can say I've found my motivation and my joy in reading again. Hint: try quitting social media for a bit and read whenever you are bored and would normally be scrolling. It becomes a habit pretty quickly.
I've found new avenues for my creativity that really work and make me feel good, like bullet journaling and collaging. I've written more poetry and published a collection of them. I've found out how I express love to other people (gifts) and how I prefer to be loved (words and time). I've found my personal style. Really, I've done a lot of stuff besides going to university, which is cool to look back at.
Okay. Enough of me patting myself on the back. It's expected that people become better versions of themselves over time, so I can't say my four year transformation is shocking in any way. However, I am glad I've used this time and been able to almost accidentally cross things off my "become an adult"-list, because those things especially make me feel like I'm progressing as a person (I don't know exactly how finding my first fancy perfume correlates with this but it's made me feel like a proper person so I'm not gonna question it).
I leave Edinburgh four years, a hell of a lot of experiences and a handful of good friends richer. Oh, and I'm also leaving with four tattoos worth of ink on these skinny little arms (surprise mom and dad! I got a fifth tattoo two weeks ago). This bullshit is so sappy and I find myself to be rather emotionless when it comes to actually talking about this stuff, because it's all gonna sink in a lot later for me, but I'll thank myself in a few years that I wrote this, so here it is.
Future Rebecca, I hope you have a family, a cat and a comprehensive recycling system. Current you has a nighttime routine, a soap opera to follow and the world's softest Stitch-plushie.
Peace out,
Becks
P.S. Holy shit I've been writing this blog for five years
Every year this blog gets a panicky summer update, so I felt it was time to continue that tradition, but it is also the end of an era. That feels very over dramatic to say, but it's true. Just like when I moved here, everything is changing again. I'm moving back to Finland, and though I no longer see that as a sign I've failed "out in the world", I'm still losing the place I've spent a few years carving out for myself. As excited as I am about a new apartment and a new job and, well, a whole new life, I'm also terrified. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and completely freak out, but I have spent the last four years transforming from an extrovert into an introvert, and the idea of making new friends in a new environment is not exciting. I feel tremendous guilt about how bad I am at keeping in contact with people I am not around every day, because I live off actual contact and virtual messaging does little to convey feeling. It happened when I moved here, and I know it will happen when I leave now. I'm going to disappear from this part of the world and remain in people's memories for a moment.
I'm happy to move back, I really am. I love Finland and living here in Scotland has helped me appreciate my home country a lot more. However, I'm genuinely shocked there are still people who care about how I'm doing and want to meet up with me and talk with me back home. I did not mean to burn my bridges, but it feels like I have, so your interest means a lot. I don't know why you're interested, but I appreciate it. If we used to hang out or go to school together or something, and you want to meet up or talk, please do get in contact! It's my base assumption that no one from my past really cares anymore (which is valid, I've been gone for four years and I'm shit at keeping in contact) so I find it really difficult to express interest in getting back in touch with people because I'm afraid they'll reject me or make me feel like I'm using them.
I don't want to become "that girl who studied abroad and it's all she ever talks about". I really don't. That girl is boring, never living in the moment and always thinking about how things are better somewhere else in the world. But I don't know how I'm meant to integrate this experience into my life without letting it define me. These have been amazing years and have really developed me into who I am, but I want to be something else too. But, enough fears and insecurities. It's now time for the once in a lifetime opportunity to do a comprehensive pre- and post- uni comparison of me, myself and I. This is mostly for me to feel like I have my life together, so feel free to skip this self-indulgent section.
I like cleaning now. Can you believe? Pre-uni Rebecca's room was always a state and she didn't care much for organisation, but a transformation has occurred! Part of the credit goes to Marie Kondo, the patron saint of folding socks, but really all she's done is given me a method by which to organise myself. It's funny how much my brain noise started quieting down after I started properly cleaning my desk and my clothes and doing my laundry at regular intervals.
I've become better at make up, or at least found ways to use make up in ways that are more flattering to me. Pre-uni Rebecca used thick black eyeliner, no primer or eyeshadow or nothin'. I mean, she rarely wore make up anyway, but when she did it was pretty much just that. I can't say I feel any more of a pressure to wear make up now than I did then, because I'm still pretty cool with my natural face, but I feel more confident about my skills at using make up creatively. I've spent years wanting to learn proper eyeshadow techniques and apply blush and lip tint etc., so to have made the effort and started to learn means a lot to me.
I've found the time to read again, which really means a lot to me. Pre-uni Rebecca stopped reading in her second year in high school, and the loss of an important hobby was sad and really bothered me. I only started to really fix this about halfway into university, but now, 25 books into 2019 I can say I've found my motivation and my joy in reading again. Hint: try quitting social media for a bit and read whenever you are bored and would normally be scrolling. It becomes a habit pretty quickly.
I've found new avenues for my creativity that really work and make me feel good, like bullet journaling and collaging. I've written more poetry and published a collection of them. I've found out how I express love to other people (gifts) and how I prefer to be loved (words and time). I've found my personal style. Really, I've done a lot of stuff besides going to university, which is cool to look back at.
Okay. Enough of me patting myself on the back. It's expected that people become better versions of themselves over time, so I can't say my four year transformation is shocking in any way. However, I am glad I've used this time and been able to almost accidentally cross things off my "become an adult"-list, because those things especially make me feel like I'm progressing as a person (I don't know exactly how finding my first fancy perfume correlates with this but it's made me feel like a proper person so I'm not gonna question it).
I leave Edinburgh four years, a hell of a lot of experiences and a handful of good friends richer. Oh, and I'm also leaving with four tattoos worth of ink on these skinny little arms (surprise mom and dad! I got a fifth tattoo two weeks ago). This bullshit is so sappy and I find myself to be rather emotionless when it comes to actually talking about this stuff, because it's all gonna sink in a lot later for me, but I'll thank myself in a few years that I wrote this, so here it is.
Future Rebecca, I hope you have a family, a cat and a comprehensive recycling system. Current you has a nighttime routine, a soap opera to follow and the world's softest Stitch-plushie.
Peace out,
Becks
P.S. Holy shit I've been writing this blog for five years
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