Medicating Seasonal Depression
Hi,
It's been a while, yeah, 4th year has been hectic to put it mildly. But we're here. I put up a wee poll on my Instagram story (which, if you didn't know by now is the place I update my life daily) about writing on my experience starting anti-depressants for the winter season. The results were unanimously YES WRITE IT, so here I am.
Many of you know I struggle with mental health, and I'm not here to highlight how much I've struggled. But, even as little as the poems I write and post every winter should go to show that I experience seasonal depression and it's severe. This year, encouraged by my parents, I wanted to seek help. I guess that's what happens when your dad follows you on Instagram and sees the depressing poetry. I'm thankful he did.
I made my yearly visit home in October, and went to the doctor's office here in Finland (private, pricey but ensured me being seen promptly) and told the doctor how I feel every winter. She recommended light-therapy, but upon insisting that it was bad and I experienced everything from fatigue to suicidal thoughts she opted into prescribing me medication. At this point in my life I am not afraid of starting medication that might mess up my brain a bit, because I feel like anything is better than the shit I put up with every winter.
I was prescribed fluoxetine, which is known here as Seronil (internationally as Prozac), and it's a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor. I know very little about what this means, but SSRI's have helped someone close to me, so I was willing to try. I started taking it as soon as I got over my cold, which was a week and a half after returning to Scotland. I started on 10mg daily as advised, but after 10 days felt no real difference. I upped the dosage to 20mg, which started to help after about a week. I'm incredibly lucky to have experienced very slight side-effects, mainly a low level headache and a faster heartbeat after walking up the stairs or running a little bit. These have since gone away. I've been on fluoxetine for a month and a half now, and it's most definitely making a difference.
I had a few really really bad days a few weeks into taking this medication, but after some research I understood these were to be expected as I got used to it. Side effects of taking medication for depression include depression, that's fun.
I know what you're thinking though. How do you know it's gotten better? It is very difficult to make differences in mental health concrete, and make these feelings something that can be universally understood. But I'll try my best. I want to highlight that the magic of hindsight has allowed me to make this post: three weeks into taking this medication I didn't believe it was helping but now it's clear.
The last few winters, as soon as it hits November my mood gets low. I sleep more than usual, have trouble getting up, experience frequent mood swings and fall into a slump of thinking life isn't worth it and that everything's hopeless. Suicidal ideation (it's a word) falls into this category, and even though I suffer from this effect less it was still scary when it happened and I only realised how serious it was the day after when I was feeling a little bit better. I get snappy and isolate myself and just, don't interact well with the world. I still feel like I'm exaggerating things, but looking back on specifically my poetry, that for me is a way of expelling my feelings so they don't fester inside me, I can see a pattern that supports my diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder.
This winter, I don't sleep as much. My sleep has changed due to the medication, but I also don't feel as fatigued during the day. I don't experience severe mood swings or hopelessness, and the poetry I do write comes from moments or thoughts that I want to express, rather than visceral moods that last for days. I asked my friends if they think I've gotten better, from their outside view, and they agreed that I do seem better, so it's not all in my head.
Yes, I convinced myself I was making this up, and that the medication wouldn't change anything because everyone goes through this, right? But now, seeing how different I feel this winter, and how I'm actually functioning, I see I wasn't making it up.
Medication isn't for everyone, and I know it can fuck you up real bad sometimes. I count myself lucky that this worked for me, and that my first try at medication gave me such good results. No, life is not all roses, because outside stressors such as university and human relationships, and life being incredibly precarious and panicking about my future all the time still happen. But the bone-deep feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness is now limited to momentary feelings often triggered by seeing idiots online tweet about how global warming isn't real and how migrant children deserve to be kept in cages.
Seasonal affective disorder is more well known in countries where it gets significantly darker during winter, and so Finland and Finnish people are very familiar with it. Still, I only really started suffering from it after moving away to Scotland. If you're struggling with these kinds of feelings and thoughts, just know that it is not 'normal' to feel like shit during the winter. Yes, maybe a bit more tired and grumpy, but suicidal thoughts are not a normal part of the winter season. Try tracking your daily moods or feelings, especially if you feel really bad, because while you may not notice it changing due to the season, looking back it will be clear. I often feel embarrassed about my poetry, but writing it has lead me to feeling better because it served as a way of tracking my worst days when I didn't believe it was a solvable problem.
If you take anything from this post please let it be that you don't have to suffer, and that seeking out help for seasonal depression is worth it. Medication isn't always the answer for everyone, but don't outright dismiss it. It may feel silly to only medicate for a few months of the year, but those few months can really make a difference. I was given enough medication to last until mid-February, so I'm working on a plan to slowly work my way off them from mid-January onwards. This should hopefully work without any huge problems, but I will be updating any significant mood-changes I notice after being off medication onto my social media as usual. I struggle with my mental health year round, so I'm interested in seeing if this experience will lead to any revelations about what's going on the rest of the year.
Thank you for reading if you did make it this far,
Becks
It's been a while, yeah, 4th year has been hectic to put it mildly. But we're here. I put up a wee poll on my Instagram story (which, if you didn't know by now is the place I update my life daily) about writing on my experience starting anti-depressants for the winter season. The results were unanimously YES WRITE IT, so here I am.
Many of you know I struggle with mental health, and I'm not here to highlight how much I've struggled. But, even as little as the poems I write and post every winter should go to show that I experience seasonal depression and it's severe. This year, encouraged by my parents, I wanted to seek help. I guess that's what happens when your dad follows you on Instagram and sees the depressing poetry. I'm thankful he did.
I made my yearly visit home in October, and went to the doctor's office here in Finland (private, pricey but ensured me being seen promptly) and told the doctor how I feel every winter. She recommended light-therapy, but upon insisting that it was bad and I experienced everything from fatigue to suicidal thoughts she opted into prescribing me medication. At this point in my life I am not afraid of starting medication that might mess up my brain a bit, because I feel like anything is better than the shit I put up with every winter.
I was prescribed fluoxetine, which is known here as Seronil (internationally as Prozac), and it's a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor. I know very little about what this means, but SSRI's have helped someone close to me, so I was willing to try. I started taking it as soon as I got over my cold, which was a week and a half after returning to Scotland. I started on 10mg daily as advised, but after 10 days felt no real difference. I upped the dosage to 20mg, which started to help after about a week. I'm incredibly lucky to have experienced very slight side-effects, mainly a low level headache and a faster heartbeat after walking up the stairs or running a little bit. These have since gone away. I've been on fluoxetine for a month and a half now, and it's most definitely making a difference.
I had a few really really bad days a few weeks into taking this medication, but after some research I understood these were to be expected as I got used to it. Side effects of taking medication for depression include depression, that's fun.
I know what you're thinking though. How do you know it's gotten better? It is very difficult to make differences in mental health concrete, and make these feelings something that can be universally understood. But I'll try my best. I want to highlight that the magic of hindsight has allowed me to make this post: three weeks into taking this medication I didn't believe it was helping but now it's clear.
The last few winters, as soon as it hits November my mood gets low. I sleep more than usual, have trouble getting up, experience frequent mood swings and fall into a slump of thinking life isn't worth it and that everything's hopeless. Suicidal ideation (it's a word) falls into this category, and even though I suffer from this effect less it was still scary when it happened and I only realised how serious it was the day after when I was feeling a little bit better. I get snappy and isolate myself and just, don't interact well with the world. I still feel like I'm exaggerating things, but looking back on specifically my poetry, that for me is a way of expelling my feelings so they don't fester inside me, I can see a pattern that supports my diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder.
This winter, I don't sleep as much. My sleep has changed due to the medication, but I also don't feel as fatigued during the day. I don't experience severe mood swings or hopelessness, and the poetry I do write comes from moments or thoughts that I want to express, rather than visceral moods that last for days. I asked my friends if they think I've gotten better, from their outside view, and they agreed that I do seem better, so it's not all in my head.
Yes, I convinced myself I was making this up, and that the medication wouldn't change anything because everyone goes through this, right? But now, seeing how different I feel this winter, and how I'm actually functioning, I see I wasn't making it up.
Medication isn't for everyone, and I know it can fuck you up real bad sometimes. I count myself lucky that this worked for me, and that my first try at medication gave me such good results. No, life is not all roses, because outside stressors such as university and human relationships, and life being incredibly precarious and panicking about my future all the time still happen. But the bone-deep feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness is now limited to momentary feelings often triggered by seeing idiots online tweet about how global warming isn't real and how migrant children deserve to be kept in cages.
Seasonal affective disorder is more well known in countries where it gets significantly darker during winter, and so Finland and Finnish people are very familiar with it. Still, I only really started suffering from it after moving away to Scotland. If you're struggling with these kinds of feelings and thoughts, just know that it is not 'normal' to feel like shit during the winter. Yes, maybe a bit more tired and grumpy, but suicidal thoughts are not a normal part of the winter season. Try tracking your daily moods or feelings, especially if you feel really bad, because while you may not notice it changing due to the season, looking back it will be clear. I often feel embarrassed about my poetry, but writing it has lead me to feeling better because it served as a way of tracking my worst days when I didn't believe it was a solvable problem.
If you take anything from this post please let it be that you don't have to suffer, and that seeking out help for seasonal depression is worth it. Medication isn't always the answer for everyone, but don't outright dismiss it. It may feel silly to only medicate for a few months of the year, but those few months can really make a difference. I was given enough medication to last until mid-February, so I'm working on a plan to slowly work my way off them from mid-January onwards. This should hopefully work without any huge problems, but I will be updating any significant mood-changes I notice after being off medication onto my social media as usual. I struggle with my mental health year round, so I'm interested in seeing if this experience will lead to any revelations about what's going on the rest of the year.
Thank you for reading if you did make it this far,
Becks
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