sometimes quiet is violent

This is a story, and a memory, a premonition but also a song, softly chanted. It does not need to be understood, in the way me and you do.   The bruises only appeared once a month, to begin with. Small and so purple they were almost black, the size of a penny, in the indentation of my hip. Or high up on my inner thigh. Never above my waist, always trailing down my leg or behind my knee. I didn’t know how to explain them, at first. I didn’t remember hitting myself against anything, being prodded or battered by something. Nothing that would’ve caused such an impact, to bruise so darkly and in such a shape. I woke up one morning and found a bigger bruise, on the side of my thigh under my hipbone. It was right in the middle of an area I had been scratching the night before. In my mind, I dismissed that it had been me. Sure, I had used pressure to scratch, to tend to the itch in the skin in the area, but there was no way I had the level of strength that was required to bruise myself li

Hi, It's been a while, yeah, 4th year has been hectic to put it mildly. But we're here. I put up a wee poll on my Instagram story (which, if you didn't know by now is the place I update my life daily) about writing on my experience starting anti-depressants for the winter season. The results were unanimously YES WRITE IT, so here I am. Many of you know I struggle with mental health, and I'm not here to highlight how much I've struggled. But, even as little as the poems I write and post every winter should go to show that I experience seasonal depression and it's severe. This year, encouraged by my parents, I wanted to seek help. I guess that's what happens when your dad follows you on Instagram and sees the depressing poetry. I'm thankful he did. I made my yearly visit home in October, and went to the doctor's office here in Finland (private, pricey but ensured me being seen promptly) and told the doctor how I feel every winter. She recommended

Because it's summer, and the nice structured life of going to university every week is gone, and I'm always incredibly fundless in July, I'm spending a lot of time in my head. Besides the usual identity crises and disruptive intrusive thought patterns I'm racking my brain for dissertation ideas and trying to find an answer to the ever present "what will I do after uni" question. It feels like just a few weeks ago I was writing on this blog about what I wanted to do with my life after graduating the IB, and here I am in the summer before my 4th and final year in university. A lot of my friends have their plans, are writing their applications and preparing for applying to various places. I'm absolutely shitting it. I have no clue what I want to do after university, except that I want to move away from Scotland. That's not hugely useful when thinking about a solid future, but up until now my plan had been to teach in Korea. After my trip I realised I

3/6 23:58 Okay, I'm writing this one super late. It's because I was being super organisational though! I've individually packed and written notes for all 15 people that I got souvenirs for (you say excessive, I worry I forgot someone) and stuffed all but 1 bag into my carry-on suitcase that is now full! Honestly, I'm hoping all of the rest of my stuff fit's into my big suitcase and my backpack. I did leave myself 10kg weight to fill so if I'm smart about packing I might just make it. If not I'm not sure what I'll do, maybe donate something. Not gonna go the Joey way and just wear everything. Today was for shopping for the rest of my souvenirs and some make up that I'd been saving up for getting. I've been kind of hesitant about spending larger quantities of money on this trip but at this point with only one more unplanned day (and then Tuesday is going to be full) and then leaving, I wanted to make sure I finally got the stuff I'd been hes

2/6 21:30 I'm so frustrated I honestly feel like crying. I just tried and failed to get food several times, and had to resort to a cup noodle once again. The thing is, today went pretty well up until now. Let's rewind. Today was museum day! I decided to go to Seoul Museum of Modern Art first, because it was nearby at City Hall subway station. I was up earlier than usually but a shower and curling my hair took a bunch of time so I still ended up leaving when I usually do. After a short subway ride I popped into a Quiznos to get some breakfast. I've never been to a Quiznos but I know it from American movies, it's basically like Subway but kind of upgraded. I had a very basic veggie sub and the worst milk tea of my life. It had white bits floating in it and I don't know if it was the fat from the milk or just, off milk. The trek down to the museum was very warm, but it was super pretty! There was a small garden-y bit with statues in it. The museum itself is a nice

1/6 23:18 Today has been slow again, which I don't really mind. I stayed up late editing a video so I actually fell asleep rather quickly and slept really well! I knew I was going to stay inside until at least 5pm today because that's when the tickets to see my fave kpop group BTS in London went on sale. I was determined to go because I've never really wanted to see anyone live except BTS, they're just a group I feel like I should experience live no matter how far I'm sitting or standing. Thanks to awesome friends we got tickets and I'll be seeing BTS on the 10th of October! I'm really excited already. After the tickets were confirmed I decided I really needed to get out so I wandered out with my earphones in to find some cake. I wanted to find this specific cafe called A Twosome Place because I saw the heart-shaped cake there, but once I found one today they didn't have it. I chose a New York Cheesecake instead, and had probably the first drink here