sometimes quiet is violent

Hi! I'm rewriting this for the fourth time and forcing myself to stop thinking about anyone else's reaction and focus on who these posts are really for - future me. Things right now feel weird and liminal. It's 2.03am, so that might be one of the reasons for this unsettling mood, but it's also the fact that everything is changing. I don't know if I'll remember how I felt now, because I sure as hell know I can't remember how I was feeling before I started this whole university thing four years ago (and that is one of the reasons I'm glad this blog still exists, empty as it may be lately, because I can go read all about it). Every year this blog gets a panicky summer update, so I felt it was time to continue that tradition, but it is also the end of an era. That feels very over dramatic to say, but it's true. Just like when I moved here, everything is changing again. I'm moving back to Finland, and though I no longer see that as a sign I've f...

Because it's summer, and the nice structured life of going to university every week is gone, and I'm always incredibly fundless in July, I'm spending a lot of time in my head. Besides the usual identity crises and disruptive intrusive thought patterns I'm racking my brain for dissertation ideas and trying to find an answer to the ever present "what will I do after uni" question. It feels like just a few weeks ago I was writing on this blog about what I wanted to do with my life after graduating the IB, and here I am in the summer before my 4th and final year in university. A lot of my friends have their plans, are writing their applications and preparing for applying to various places. I'm absolutely shitting it. I have no clue what I want to do after university, except that I want to move away from Scotland. That's not hugely useful when thinking about a solid future, but up until now my plan had been to teach in Korea. After my trip I realised I ...

My dad asked me the other week what are some things I fear. My answer contained a lot of things, but one main one, that had also been a source of anxiety for both of my parents, was my future. I'm 18, doing my last year in high school and I need to be applying for universities soon. Like, by the 15th of January soon. I know my talents. At least I think I do. I can talk, write, make (sometimes) funny youtube videos, sew questionable costumes for conventions concerning popular culture, be loud and annoying. The list goes on. The problem here is, that I don't know which talents to pursue. My father has told me that he believes my talents lie in communications, that sewing and costume producing isn't really my best choice. A part of me wants to believe him, and a part of me questions how he knows me better than I know myself. Is that even possible? My current choices for universities have one thing in common. They are all outside of Finland. To me, the worst case scenario w...