sometimes quiet is violent

This summer feels very insignificant. I feel like I'm just floating around, going places and doing things and talking to people but my mind is somewhere completely different. I'm very much between two places and it's off-putting. I've been doing fun stuff, like having picnics and coffee and cooking yummy vegan food and learning the ukulele, but I've also been doing not so fun stuff like fighting and crying and wanting to go back to Scotland sooner than September. I foolishly didn't think that this summer would be that hard. Turns out not seeing the people you're used to seeing everyday kind of messes with your sense of loneliness. Not saying that my friends here back home aren't dear to me too, but having been gone for a year I'm more of a visiting guest now. I know I'll never be able to go back in time and experience the stuff they experienced together without me so I'm happy just going along and experiencing things with them now. That mon...

Something doesn't feel right about this moment and I cannot seem to figure it out. I was ready to go to bed but I think my thoughts got a bit jumbled and I find my mind unable to concentrate on a single train of thought long enough to let it fade into slumber. My blanket feels wrong and I cannot settle, and so, I'm clinging onto my last hope in achieving some level of concentration and calm. I fear shame. I fear being shamed. I fear being wrong so much that I often gauge other peoples reactions and opinions and then  decide on my stance. This doesn't go for political or social views, those are important enough for me to look at how I personally want to support particular causes because of my experiences. I'm talking about things like movies and books and music. I think my fear of being shamed for liking specific things stems from my need of acceptance. I was bullied at school (now's not really the time for that sob story), and though I've never wanted to ...