sometimes quiet is violent

Hi! I'm rewriting this for the fourth time and forcing myself to stop thinking about anyone else's reaction and focus on who these posts are really for - future me. Things right now feel weird and liminal. It's 2.03am, so that might be one of the reasons for this unsettling mood, but it's also the fact that everything is changing. I don't know if I'll remember how I felt now, because I sure as hell know I can't remember how I was feeling before I started this whole university thing four years ago (and that is one of the reasons I'm glad this blog still exists, empty as it may be lately, because I can go read all about it). Every year this blog gets a panicky summer update, so I felt it was time to continue that tradition, but it is also the end of an era. That feels very over dramatic to say, but it's true. Just like when I moved here, everything is changing again. I'm moving back to Finland, and though I no longer see that as a sign I've f...

This summer feels very insignificant. I feel like I'm just floating around, going places and doing things and talking to people but my mind is somewhere completely different. I'm very much between two places and it's off-putting. I've been doing fun stuff, like having picnics and coffee and cooking yummy vegan food and learning the ukulele, but I've also been doing not so fun stuff like fighting and crying and wanting to go back to Scotland sooner than September. I foolishly didn't think that this summer would be that hard. Turns out not seeing the people you're used to seeing everyday kind of messes with your sense of loneliness. Not saying that my friends here back home aren't dear to me too, but having been gone for a year I'm more of a visiting guest now. I know I'll never be able to go back in time and experience the stuff they experienced together without me so I'm happy just going along and experiencing things with them now. That mon...