sometimes quiet is violent

The past three months have been an uphill journey. Even writing that sentence makes me doubt myself and whether or not I'm over-exaggerating things. But, looking back I can tell that something changed and it's still not better. I've been tired, to the level of having to nap 2 hours daily besides 9+ hours of sleep at night. I've been anxious, something I usually only am for big things, and find myself retreating into my mind during social gatherings. I lack concentration, motivation, the energy to interact with content previously found interesting. I find myself often feeling sad, feeling hopeless, feeling irritable. Day by day these things have piled up. Any bad news I hear, no matter how small, makes me choke up, the heavy feeling of impending tears stuck in my throat. I have to force myself to go to social events because I know once I get there I will space out for half the time and struggle talking to others for the other half. The point of small talk has eluded ...

It's one of those times when I feel like words can't fully describe what I'm feeling. A bit less than a week until I fly back to Scotland for my second year of university, and my feelings are all over the place. I don't know what I expected when I left in May and said goodbye to the people who had been by my side for the past year. Certainly not this amount of pure need to hear someone's laugh or see the way their eyes crinkle when they smile, or how they look sitting at the breakfast table eating cookies. I naively didn't think it would be this hard to be apart from my friends for the summer holiday, but almost my entire time at home has been shadowed by a growing longing to see everyone again and spend time in their company. Not to say I haven't enjoyed my time here with my friends and family, but I can't shut out the other part of my life, no matter how hard I try. I'm so optimistic for my second year. We have a beautiful flat and I have the b...

Sometimes I feel like nothing about me is constant. I change my hair, my opinions, my clothing, my attitude, my feelings, and nothing stays the same. My mood can swing from happy to frustrated within a few hours and sometimes my bad moods can last for weeks. I know this is "normal teenage behaviour" but really I feel like I'm a lot less constant than all of my friends. I'm supposed to be going to university soon and live practically on my own, and though I'm excited I'm also worried. I was getting dressed for school yesterday and was really excited about my outfit. I wondered what it would be like to be someone who dresses in that style everyday, someone whose entire style is like that. People who know me know that I tend to dress in a way that is very non-constant. Some days I have my pink Hello Kitty backpack and a weird choker that looks like a dog collar. Other days I wear jeans and a simple t-shirt. My shoes have wings on them. I'm not very good at ...

Months ago, I took one of those silly quizzes. Like, "which Harry Potter house are you in" and the like. I rarely do these, mostly because I know I'm a Gryffindor and the rest of the quizzes don't interest me. But there was one about Game of Thrones, and I wanted to know where my characteristics would fit, considering I identify most with either Arya or Daenerys. I took the quiz, and ended up a Targaryen. You do not need to know anything about Game of Thrones to understand what comes next. The only thing that is relevant from that quiz is that one of the options was "what do you do when someone has wronged you?". My answer was "forgive but never forget", which effectively placed me in Targaryen. I've had a lot of chances and situations where I needed to forgive people. I've been bullied since I was 10-years old and that bullying didn't stop when I started 7th grade, it just changed form. Instead of knocking me down or hitting me i...