sometimes quiet is violent

So, long time no see. I had an intense summer serving breakfast lunch and dinner to Italian summer school kids, and showing people to their seats at Edinburgh Castle. I worked so much this summer that after my last shift in August I spent a week and a half going out and doing things every day in a row to make up for the not-summer that I had, which, if you know me, is not my style. I'm very much a "give me a few days to recuperate after an outing" kind of person. But, today's post is actually not about my work experiences, but about more positive things! The last post I wrote on this blog was quite sad, and I'm happy to say I've gotten a lot better from then on. I've noticed some things in myself that have led me to be quite happy right now, and I want to share, lest this blog always be about me being pissed off or sad or anxious. Lately, I've found myself engaging (mainly online, but also in person) with people in a way that I couldn't have be...

Recently I’ve been involved in a situation that has brought a lot of anxiety into my life. Anxiety I didn’t know I could have. So, the past six days have been like a grey cloud over me. The base feeling is always fear. I don’t want to go outside my flat alone, outside my room alone, in the elevator alone. My confidence has plummeted; I tried filming a video yesterday and everything about it felt off. I feel like everyone is whispering about me, that misinformation is spreading of me, like everyone I meet knows something about me I don’t. I’ve always been someone who flinches at loud noises, but that has just been turned up a notch. I flinch at noises outside my window and sounds in my hallway. I was feeling a bit better about everything last night, like the grudge that was being held would be forgotten soon, and then people came to my door at four in the morning and said some rude things and made noise. I was absolutely terrified and now I feel like all the progress I’ve been ...

When I said "okay" to getting a drivers license nearly 10 months ago I did so begrudgingly after being worn down by my father. I had heard so many reasons to get one I thought I guess I should, to get it over with. Driving was something I kind of wanted to know how to do but it still scared me. The next 7 months were the most nerve wracking of my life. The first three weeks of my dad teaching me to drive was me stalling the car and crying 'cause I was afraid and didn't know how to do it. We progressed and I was "good enough" to drive on the actual road with other cars. This was also done with tears in my eyes. The most horrible of all my experiences in the car was when my dad accidentally gave me directions to the wrong road and I ended up driving on the highway before I was ready. I have never been so angry, crying while trying to survive at 120km/h ON THE HIGHWAY. Terrifying. Slowly the tears stopped and I could drive without going into hysterics, ju...