Anxiety I didn't know I could have

Recently I’ve been involved in a situation that has brought a lot of anxiety into my life. Anxiety I didn’t know I could have.

So, the past six days have been like a grey cloud over me. The base feeling is always fear. I don’t want to go outside my flat alone, outside my room alone, in the elevator alone. My confidence has plummeted; I tried filming a video yesterday and everything about it felt off. I feel like everyone is whispering about me, that misinformation is spreading of me, like everyone I meet knows something about me I don’t.

I’ve always been someone who flinches at loud noises, but that has just been turned up a notch. I flinch at noises outside my window and sounds in my hallway. I was feeling a bit better about everything last night, like the grudge that was being held would be forgotten soon, and then people came to my door at four in the morning and said some rude things and made noise. I was absolutely terrified and now I feel like all the progress I’ve been mentally making this week has just been washed down the drain and I’m back to square one again.

This doesn’t mean I haven’t had fun with my friends or enjoyed listening to music, but it’s been with a clear knowing in my mind that things are not okay. As soon as I leave their company or the music stops, those thoughts flood my head again and I don’t see a way out.

I’m so bad at waiting anything out. And trying to wait until another person decides to stop harassing me is so difficult because there is nothing I can compare this situation to and I do not know if this behaviour will continue a week or two weeks. I have considered every possible way out of this situation, anything to make it better. I thought laying low and disappearing would give people the picture I wanted nothing more to do with them and that I had let go, but it has had the opposite effect. It’s a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation. I can lie low and wait for it to go away, in which case I am a coward, or I can take no shit and report the hallway incident to the university, in which case I am a snitch and will face even more hate. 

My brain is battling between the logic of “It’s not that bad of a situation you’re going to live this through” and the irrationality of “you’re never going to be okay this will go on until you leave for the summer and everyone is going to hate you”.

I used to see myself as a person who could logic their way out of being nervous about things like performances and doctor’s appointments, but this has proven otherwise. I am so anxious it is almost debilitating.

Of course my friends have been here for me, through the teary explanations, the changing of rooms and moving of things and late night attacks on my door. And I appreciate them so much for coming with me everywhere, making me feel a bit safer about being out among people when its absolutely necessary. Listening to every doubt in my mind that I voice in our group chat. So many of my friends have come forward to talk to me about this and it’s really helped to know I have a support network that cares about my mental wellbeing.

I know some of you may be reading this and rolling your eyes. Maybe you know something I don’t, or maybe you know only one side of the story. But I’m writing about how I feel and I don’t mean to judge anyone but myself.

I’ve given myself something very specific to look forward to and I hope that waiting for that something will make these weeks go easier. I’m sure that the pre-summer hassle of packing away all of my belongings will provide a needed distraction as well.

Thank you for reading my rambles and for respecting my privacy. Much love.

Becks