An uncomfortable silence with myself
Hi guys! So as some of you might have noticed, I have recently begun making new videos for my youtube channel. Those that have been around since 2011 know that I have been making them for several years, but most of those videos are hidden now. Really, I have several reasons why I have started creating things in video form again, and I'm discovering new problems that didn't really affect me back in 2011 and 2012.
Some of the main differences between 15-year old me and 20-year old me are very easy to point out. 15-year old me cared less what people thought, was less of a perfectionist, and wasn't comparing herself to other video makers. 20-year old me is highly self aware of absolutely EVERYTHING concerning her video making process. I saved up and upgraded from a little 70€ Canon digital camera to the Canon 700D (my first DSLR I'm so proud), but the camera only changes the quality, not the content.
I, as I'm aware most creative types, suffer from all kinds of anxieties in terms of the things I present to the world. There's a constant need to put out something that is absolutely perfect and reflects directly what is in my mind and is engaging to the audience, but that is not yet possible. My physical skills have not caught up with the "greatness" I want to achieve, and so I've had to adopt a different attitude from the "I won't show anyone anything that isn't my absolute best", because that attitude leads to never creating anything. Its like my mother used to say, and what I learned in Latin class years later, repetition is the mother of all learning. You have to practice the skills you have to create things that you really really love. No matter how embarrassing (and I'm telling you, they were very much so) my old videos were, they taught me a lot of things. I learned how to edit, use my camera, set myself up in frame correctly and with enough light, form opinions in a way that others can relate to, and so many other things. Without those videos I'd still be in square one.
Now, armed with that knowledge I've started creating new content. I don't really know what I want to do with my channel, what I want to have as "my thing", but right now that doesn't really bother me. I'm just making stuff I want to make and hoping some people are interested in it. Luckily, I have a lot of friends around me who've encouraged me, came up to me and told me they liked my video. As cliche as it sounds, knowing at least one person watched my video really makes a difference for me. Its one person joining the opposing side of the debate with the voice in my head that doubts everything I do.
For me the hardest part of making videos is not the filming or the editing or the self doubt that comes after you've published something. Its the silence that builds between the time you set up your camera and start talking to it. It used to be so easy for me, I'd just set it up and start talking. But now I feel so much more self conscious that it takes me a good 10 minutes to summon the courage to actually begin talking to the camera. It sounds like the easiest thing to do but its the worst part. Its an uncomfortable silence with myself. In that moment I'm alone and the silence means that my brain is going faster than ever coming up with all the possible things that could go wrong, reasons I should just put the camera away, reasons why no one cares about what I have to say. I don't know why, but as soon as I go "Hi guys!" at the camera, that vanishes for a while and I can focus fully on saying all that I have to say.
I've been talking to my friends about vlogging recently, and I tried to explain how if you want to vlog you have to be able to "suspend your disbelief in yourself" for the duration of filming and editing. Don't doubt it, just concentrate and get it done. Then, when you've posted it, don't look at it for a few days. When you go back to it its not gonna seem as bad, as embarrassing, and you've most likely received encouragement from your friends that makes you feel like you want to leave it up anyway. You have to fool your mind into being less critical.
Anyway, wrapping up this shit show of a post. I've started posting weekly, and I'm going to try to continue to do so, so I can have a steady growth in, hopefully, quality and skills and good ideas. Consistency with something works well for me, so I'm trying not to give up on this.
This post is nothing new. This is not some divine revelation. I know that anyone whose ever created anything probably knows the feeling when it doesn't fully reflect all that you can do, doesn't reflect all of your potential. And that is the actual struggle, creating things despite the voice in your head saying you could do better, that you're embarrassing yourself, that no one cares. There's a part of my personality that needs to make everyone happy, to make everyone like me. That part needs to go on a long holiday while I actually achieve things.
Thanks for reading, and I want you to know that I'm trying really hard to not care what you think.
Becks
Some of the main differences between 15-year old me and 20-year old me are very easy to point out. 15-year old me cared less what people thought, was less of a perfectionist, and wasn't comparing herself to other video makers. 20-year old me is highly self aware of absolutely EVERYTHING concerning her video making process. I saved up and upgraded from a little 70€ Canon digital camera to the Canon 700D (my first DSLR I'm so proud), but the camera only changes the quality, not the content.
I, as I'm aware most creative types, suffer from all kinds of anxieties in terms of the things I present to the world. There's a constant need to put out something that is absolutely perfect and reflects directly what is in my mind and is engaging to the audience, but that is not yet possible. My physical skills have not caught up with the "greatness" I want to achieve, and so I've had to adopt a different attitude from the "I won't show anyone anything that isn't my absolute best", because that attitude leads to never creating anything. Its like my mother used to say, and what I learned in Latin class years later, repetition is the mother of all learning. You have to practice the skills you have to create things that you really really love. No matter how embarrassing (and I'm telling you, they were very much so) my old videos were, they taught me a lot of things. I learned how to edit, use my camera, set myself up in frame correctly and with enough light, form opinions in a way that others can relate to, and so many other things. Without those videos I'd still be in square one.
Now, armed with that knowledge I've started creating new content. I don't really know what I want to do with my channel, what I want to have as "my thing", but right now that doesn't really bother me. I'm just making stuff I want to make and hoping some people are interested in it. Luckily, I have a lot of friends around me who've encouraged me, came up to me and told me they liked my video. As cliche as it sounds, knowing at least one person watched my video really makes a difference for me. Its one person joining the opposing side of the debate with the voice in my head that doubts everything I do.
For me the hardest part of making videos is not the filming or the editing or the self doubt that comes after you've published something. Its the silence that builds between the time you set up your camera and start talking to it. It used to be so easy for me, I'd just set it up and start talking. But now I feel so much more self conscious that it takes me a good 10 minutes to summon the courage to actually begin talking to the camera. It sounds like the easiest thing to do but its the worst part. Its an uncomfortable silence with myself. In that moment I'm alone and the silence means that my brain is going faster than ever coming up with all the possible things that could go wrong, reasons I should just put the camera away, reasons why no one cares about what I have to say. I don't know why, but as soon as I go "Hi guys!" at the camera, that vanishes for a while and I can focus fully on saying all that I have to say.
I've been talking to my friends about vlogging recently, and I tried to explain how if you want to vlog you have to be able to "suspend your disbelief in yourself" for the duration of filming and editing. Don't doubt it, just concentrate and get it done. Then, when you've posted it, don't look at it for a few days. When you go back to it its not gonna seem as bad, as embarrassing, and you've most likely received encouragement from your friends that makes you feel like you want to leave it up anyway. You have to fool your mind into being less critical.
Anyway, wrapping up this shit show of a post. I've started posting weekly, and I'm going to try to continue to do so, so I can have a steady growth in, hopefully, quality and skills and good ideas. Consistency with something works well for me, so I'm trying not to give up on this.
This post is nothing new. This is not some divine revelation. I know that anyone whose ever created anything probably knows the feeling when it doesn't fully reflect all that you can do, doesn't reflect all of your potential. And that is the actual struggle, creating things despite the voice in your head saying you could do better, that you're embarrassing yourself, that no one cares. There's a part of my personality that needs to make everyone happy, to make everyone like me. That part needs to go on a long holiday while I actually achieve things.
Thanks for reading, and I want you to know that I'm trying really hard to not care what you think.
Becks
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