sometimes quiet is violent

It's one of those times when I feel like words can't fully describe what I'm feeling. A bit less than a week until I fly back to Scotland for my second year of university, and my feelings are all over the place. I don't know what I expected when I left in May and said goodbye to the people who had been by my side for the past year. Certainly not this amount of pure need to hear someone's laugh or see the way their eyes crinkle when they smile, or how they look sitting at the breakfast table eating cookies. I naively didn't think it would be this hard to be apart from my friends for the summer holiday, but almost my entire time at home has been shadowed by a growing longing to see everyone again and spend time in their company. Not to say I haven't enjoyed my time here with my friends and family, but I can't shut out the other part of my life, no matter how hard I try. I'm so optimistic for my second year. We have a beautiful flat and I have the b...

Something doesn't feel right about this moment and I cannot seem to figure it out. I was ready to go to bed but I think my thoughts got a bit jumbled and I find my mind unable to concentrate on a single train of thought long enough to let it fade into slumber. My blanket feels wrong and I cannot settle, and so, I'm clinging onto my last hope in achieving some level of concentration and calm. I fear shame. I fear being shamed. I fear being wrong so much that I often gauge other peoples reactions and opinions and then  decide on my stance. This doesn't go for political or social views, those are important enough for me to look at how I personally want to support particular causes because of my experiences. I'm talking about things like movies and books and music. I think my fear of being shamed for liking specific things stems from my need of acceptance. I was bullied at school (now's not really the time for that sob story), and though I've never wanted to ...

Hi everyone! During the last few weeks between my latest blog post and this one, a whole number of things have changed in my life. I've moved to another country (!), moved into student accommodation, bought myself a whole lot of dishes and cooking supplies, learned what a pain it is when your fridge doesn't work and your milk goes bad, and probably most importantly of all I've met a lot of new people. In my last post I wrote about the awful limbo I felt I was stuck in. Right now, writing this in my bed (though feeling a bit ill), I feel like the limbo was worth it. Having nothing to do for a month was just preparing me for having EVERYTHING to do in one week. There are so many people to meet, so many TV-shows and movies to talk about, so many people from other countries teaching me the naughty words in their native language. I'm so thankful to everyone who has come up and talked to me, or even just answered when I've said something to them. The good thing about ...