sometimes quiet is violent

So, long time no see. I had an intense summer serving breakfast lunch and dinner to Italian summer school kids, and showing people to their seats at Edinburgh Castle. I worked so much this summer that after my last shift in August I spent a week and a half going out and doing things every day in a row to make up for the not-summer that I had, which, if you know me, is not my style. I'm very much a "give me a few days to recuperate after an outing" kind of person. But, today's post is actually not about my work experiences, but about more positive things! The last post I wrote on this blog was quite sad, and I'm happy to say I've gotten a lot better from then on. I've noticed some things in myself that have led me to be quite happy right now, and I want to share, lest this blog always be about me being pissed off or sad or anxious. Lately, I've found myself engaging (mainly online, but also in person) with people in a way that I couldn't have be...

It's one of those times when I feel like words can't fully describe what I'm feeling. A bit less than a week until I fly back to Scotland for my second year of university, and my feelings are all over the place. I don't know what I expected when I left in May and said goodbye to the people who had been by my side for the past year. Certainly not this amount of pure need to hear someone's laugh or see the way their eyes crinkle when they smile, or how they look sitting at the breakfast table eating cookies. I naively didn't think it would be this hard to be apart from my friends for the summer holiday, but almost my entire time at home has been shadowed by a growing longing to see everyone again and spend time in their company. Not to say I haven't enjoyed my time here with my friends and family, but I can't shut out the other part of my life, no matter how hard I try. I'm so optimistic for my second year. We have a beautiful flat and I have the b...

Recently I’ve been involved in a situation that has brought a lot of anxiety into my life. Anxiety I didn’t know I could have. So, the past six days have been like a grey cloud over me. The base feeling is always fear. I don’t want to go outside my flat alone, outside my room alone, in the elevator alone. My confidence has plummeted; I tried filming a video yesterday and everything about it felt off. I feel like everyone is whispering about me, that misinformation is spreading of me, like everyone I meet knows something about me I don’t. I’ve always been someone who flinches at loud noises, but that has just been turned up a notch. I flinch at noises outside my window and sounds in my hallway. I was feeling a bit better about everything last night, like the grudge that was being held would be forgotten soon, and then people came to my door at four in the morning and said some rude things and made noise. I was absolutely terrified and now I feel like all the progress I’ve been ...

Hi everyone! During the last few weeks between my latest blog post and this one, a whole number of things have changed in my life. I've moved to another country (!), moved into student accommodation, bought myself a whole lot of dishes and cooking supplies, learned what a pain it is when your fridge doesn't work and your milk goes bad, and probably most importantly of all I've met a lot of new people. In my last post I wrote about the awful limbo I felt I was stuck in. Right now, writing this in my bed (though feeling a bit ill), I feel like the limbo was worth it. Having nothing to do for a month was just preparing me for having EVERYTHING to do in one week. There are so many people to meet, so many TV-shows and movies to talk about, so many people from other countries teaching me the naughty words in their native language. I'm so thankful to everyone who has come up and talked to me, or even just answered when I've said something to them. The good thing about ...