So many feelings
It's one of those times when I feel like words can't fully describe what I'm feeling. A bit less than a week until I fly back to Scotland for my second year of university, and my feelings are all over the place.
I don't know what I expected when I left in May and said goodbye to the people who had been by my side for the past year. Certainly not this amount of pure need to hear someone's laugh or see the way their eyes crinkle when they smile, or how they look sitting at the breakfast table eating cookies. I naively didn't think it would be this hard to be apart from my friends for the summer holiday, but almost my entire time at home has been shadowed by a growing longing to see everyone again and spend time in their company. Not to say I haven't enjoyed my time here with my friends and family, but I can't shut out the other part of my life, no matter how hard I try.
I'm so optimistic for my second year. We have a beautiful flat and I have the best roommates, I'm excited to join a society in university (finally, since I now know my way around the university), and I can't wait to start attending lectures again. Thinking about going back has my stomach in knots, and I'm finding it hard to sleep through the night. I'm going through random bouts of nostalgia and melancholy and just feel very emotional. I know that not everything will be perfect, and that I will struggle and things will be difficult, but right now its hard to think about that because I'm just desperate to be back. I've come to the realization that when I entered university abroad I committed myself to a lifestyle where there will always be someone I'm missing in another part of the world. I guess I better start learning how to deal with it.
Now is as good a time as any to look back on my first year and make some pseudo-intellectual points about what I learned, remark something along the lines of "the power of friendship" and end with some universal truth you can think about for a minute or so before you resume your previous activities. Really there's not a lot to talk about that you wouldn't have guessed already. I made loads of mistakes, yeah, like getting 27 pounds worth of fees from the library in a span of three days, starting a gym membership and not going nearly as often as I should have, and waiting too long to open a bank account. Shopping at Tesco for most of the year when Lidl would have saved me an incredible amount of money. Being emotionally selfish, too readily trusting the wrong people, and just plain talking when I shouldn't have are all things I did and am not exactly proud of. Yes, there was a teeny tiny bit of heartbreak and a whole lot of misunderstanding but all in all first year was a success. I started as a self-conscious person trying to tone down her personality and survive the year. Sure, I'm still struggling with trying not to be "too much", but I'm so much more confident in myself and I'm now familiar enough with our university's academic practices that I can strive to excel instead of just pass.
I think second year is a chance for me to grow more, as a person but also as a creator. My team won two awards at the school's film gala and I'm so immensely proud of our work that I can't wait to create more. Being in the company of people who are passionate about the same things is really energizing, and I just hope I can make more cool stuff this coming year. I have a tendency to get very excited at first and then give up, and I hope to grow in that area so that I can achieve things I want instead of just talk about them. I don't know how realistic this goal is but I can always try.
This post is honestly just horrible rambling but it reflects my current state pretty well. I'm a mess trying to wait until I can organize everything again, so this is all I can produce right now. Many thanks to those of you who continuously read my stuff! You're the best and make it feel worth it to post things on here.
Love,
Becks
I don't know what I expected when I left in May and said goodbye to the people who had been by my side for the past year. Certainly not this amount of pure need to hear someone's laugh or see the way their eyes crinkle when they smile, or how they look sitting at the breakfast table eating cookies. I naively didn't think it would be this hard to be apart from my friends for the summer holiday, but almost my entire time at home has been shadowed by a growing longing to see everyone again and spend time in their company. Not to say I haven't enjoyed my time here with my friends and family, but I can't shut out the other part of my life, no matter how hard I try.
I'm so optimistic for my second year. We have a beautiful flat and I have the best roommates, I'm excited to join a society in university (finally, since I now know my way around the university), and I can't wait to start attending lectures again. Thinking about going back has my stomach in knots, and I'm finding it hard to sleep through the night. I'm going through random bouts of nostalgia and melancholy and just feel very emotional. I know that not everything will be perfect, and that I will struggle and things will be difficult, but right now its hard to think about that because I'm just desperate to be back. I've come to the realization that when I entered university abroad I committed myself to a lifestyle where there will always be someone I'm missing in another part of the world. I guess I better start learning how to deal with it.
Now is as good a time as any to look back on my first year and make some pseudo-intellectual points about what I learned, remark something along the lines of "the power of friendship" and end with some universal truth you can think about for a minute or so before you resume your previous activities. Really there's not a lot to talk about that you wouldn't have guessed already. I made loads of mistakes, yeah, like getting 27 pounds worth of fees from the library in a span of three days, starting a gym membership and not going nearly as often as I should have, and waiting too long to open a bank account. Shopping at Tesco for most of the year when Lidl would have saved me an incredible amount of money. Being emotionally selfish, too readily trusting the wrong people, and just plain talking when I shouldn't have are all things I did and am not exactly proud of. Yes, there was a teeny tiny bit of heartbreak and a whole lot of misunderstanding but all in all first year was a success. I started as a self-conscious person trying to tone down her personality and survive the year. Sure, I'm still struggling with trying not to be "too much", but I'm so much more confident in myself and I'm now familiar enough with our university's academic practices that I can strive to excel instead of just pass.
I think second year is a chance for me to grow more, as a person but also as a creator. My team won two awards at the school's film gala and I'm so immensely proud of our work that I can't wait to create more. Being in the company of people who are passionate about the same things is really energizing, and I just hope I can make more cool stuff this coming year. I have a tendency to get very excited at first and then give up, and I hope to grow in that area so that I can achieve things I want instead of just talk about them. I don't know how realistic this goal is but I can always try.
This post is honestly just horrible rambling but it reflects my current state pretty well. I'm a mess trying to wait until I can organize everything again, so this is all I can produce right now. Many thanks to those of you who continuously read my stuff! You're the best and make it feel worth it to post things on here.
Love,
Becks
Wow this is incredibly retrospective, if only I were that reflective at 20 (8 years ago). I'm literally brand new, but I'm quite glad I randomly found this blog. Adding to reading list.
ReplyDeleteThanks :D I kind of specialise in retrospective stuff I guess.I didn't realize people could randomly find my blog (I've just thought my facebook friends are reading it) so thanks for finding it interesting though you do not know me in real life!
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