Hey, I'm a better me
So, long time no see. I had an intense summer serving breakfast lunch and dinner to Italian summer school kids, and showing people to their seats at Edinburgh Castle. I worked so much this summer that after my last shift in August I spent a week and a half going out and doing things every day in a row to make up for the not-summer that I had, which, if you know me, is not my style. I'm very much a "give me a few days to recuperate after an outing" kind of person.
But, today's post is actually not about my work experiences, but about more positive things! The last post I wrote on this blog was quite sad, and I'm happy to say I've gotten a lot better from then on. I've noticed some things in myself that have led me to be quite happy right now, and I want to share, lest this blog always be about me being pissed off or sad or anxious.
Lately, I've found myself engaging (mainly online, but also in person) with people in a way that I couldn't have before. I used to be the kind of person who'd be incredibly nervous to send someone the first message, or to make friends with people. I felt like I was bothering them, and that they had no reason to pay any attention to me. A lot of that came from self-confidence issues, but a lot of it was also just the kind of politeness you learn in Finland. The "let's not bother anyone with our existence"-politeness, which is obviously taking it a bit too far. Anyway, lately I haven't been getting the 'first message'-jitters at all, which is huge! I've messaged several new people with no stress and those gambles if you will, have paid off. I thought I wouldn't really be making that many more friends in third year seeing as I have my crowd at university and I don't really do a lot else, but I've been positively surprised! Letting myself have the freedom to contact people without shame has really freed the way I view relationships with people and it's brought a bunch of amazing new people into my life. I don't even know how this happened without me noticing, but it's made me very happy to have more friends to talk to (even about niche interests that I didn't think people would care about).
My second point in this "Becks matured and surprised even herself"-post is about work, though I did tell you I wouldn't talk about that today. Mainly though I just mean the anxieties that surrounded me going to work. When I found out I'd be working at summer school I became nervous for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, I've never worked in a customer service job before. I've always been the helper in the back room of the school or the library or the factory, and dealing with actual customers is something that I wasn't sure I could do with confidence. The first few days, a few minutes before the students were down for their breakfast/lunch/dinner I'd get butterflies in my stomach, and after a few nights of the same thing they just kind of faded away. I guess I could say I just, made my anxious side used to it. Or rather, I saw that there wasn't really anything to be nervous about, because these kids couldn't care less about who was serving them their chips. Any customer altercations were referred to my supervisors and therefore I didn't even have to fight with any customers, besides enforcing the "only two pieces of toast per person" rule. My experience at the Military Tattoo was similar. I was nervous I'd be dealing with paying customers for hours every day, but it became something I almost enjoyed. I was kind to people and people were kind to me, and I started seeing how other people see me. I think working in a way where you are seen by people for the duration of your work helps to put yourself in their shoes and see yourself from the outside a little bit. No one from the Tattoo team knew what I was like or who I was, and so it caused me to re-assess what kind of picture I present to the world.
Currently I'm working alongside university at the Starbucks in our atrium. The thought of making coffees for people during rush time made my insides turn a little bit, but I braved it for the money, and now about two weeks in I can say I feel totally comfortable working there, even on my own. Really it's like anything else, once you get used to it, it becomes easier. So, a third situation that has taught me: it's not as bad as you make it out to be in your head, goddamnit Rebecca.
Summer, though stressful and tiring at times, has left me less anxious and more self-aware, and a more open person. I have big plans for this year and my future, and I'm excited to take steps towards being a better me. Even just tiny things, like reading a book I've been wanting to read, makes me feel like I'm being the me that 15-year old Rebecca wanted me to be at 21.
My friends laugh at me when I tell them I feel like I'm stuck in one place for too long if I'm there for more than two years, but it's true. I was feeling a bit antsy about entering my third year at university and deciding to stay for the fourth, because a part of me is so desperate to do as much as I can that staying somewhere this long feels almost like wasting time I could be spending doing something much more exciting. I think it's the leftovers of the rapture-scares I got from various adults in my childhood who, very dramatically, made me feel like I had very little time before the end times, so I better make this time count.
Well, I don't believe the world is going to end anytime soon, but that thought is at the back of my head sometimes, spurring me on to completing my goals.
Yes, I do have bad days, the ones where there's so much I want to do I just don't do any of it and lie in bed on my phone for hours. But, for it being the third week of the new semester in university, I'm still feeling rather positive on the future. I can't lie, part of this is the fact that having worked during summer and having a job now means I have some income that I've been able to use to do another kind of self-betterment. Money can't buy you happiness, but when you spend months and months saving up for things, when you can finally buy them it's a happy time. One of these cases is my ever continuing quest to 'get good at make up'. Really all I've wanted to be able to do was a nice casual look with muted colours, not something from kindergarten/garish 80's film. So, I bought proper make up brushes and make up, so that I can finally put to use all those hours spent watching make up tutorials. It's only been about a month since I got into skincare and it's improved my confidence and helped me learn about how to care for myself.
Another form of cash happiness is being able to plan travels. Before uni, during uni, even during vacations, I've had to save money. For rent, for living costs, for flights home and back. All of this left little to no hope for travelling anywhere new, and it felt like I had made a choice between studying abroad, or staying home and being able to spend my income on travelling. Now, I feel like I can try to achieve both in this year. I've booked flights to go home for a week, but also to go to Germany with my flatmate for Christmas. I'm entertaining the thought of flying down for London for a friend, but my biggest goal, and the reason I've opened a savings account, is that I want to fly to South Korea next summer. I've been wanting to go for a while now, and learning more and more about the culture and language makes me even more excited to visit.
I was telling this to a friend earlier, where I felt like the first step was moving to a country where I spoke the language, but didn't have my family. Going to a country where I don't even really speak the language feels like a step up from there, and while daunting, it does sound very exciting as well.
This was a long post, but the main point is that I'm feeling happy, despite the day to day issues of being tired after work sometimes, or struggling with my appetite, or having to do group work I don't know where to start with.
As I mentioned, I'm flying home to see my family in a week, and I'm excited! Not only at the thought of seeing my friends, family and cats, but also at being able to visit my old high school! The Rebecca that went to that high school was a very different Rebecca, but I feel nostalgic about going and seeing the very hallways and classrooms that helped a lot to form me into the adult I am today. Also, seeing my favourite teachers and convincing them that the things they taught me did come in handy!
Thanks for reading,
A new and improved Becks
But, today's post is actually not about my work experiences, but about more positive things! The last post I wrote on this blog was quite sad, and I'm happy to say I've gotten a lot better from then on. I've noticed some things in myself that have led me to be quite happy right now, and I want to share, lest this blog always be about me being pissed off or sad or anxious.
Lately, I've found myself engaging (mainly online, but also in person) with people in a way that I couldn't have before. I used to be the kind of person who'd be incredibly nervous to send someone the first message, or to make friends with people. I felt like I was bothering them, and that they had no reason to pay any attention to me. A lot of that came from self-confidence issues, but a lot of it was also just the kind of politeness you learn in Finland. The "let's not bother anyone with our existence"-politeness, which is obviously taking it a bit too far. Anyway, lately I haven't been getting the 'first message'-jitters at all, which is huge! I've messaged several new people with no stress and those gambles if you will, have paid off. I thought I wouldn't really be making that many more friends in third year seeing as I have my crowd at university and I don't really do a lot else, but I've been positively surprised! Letting myself have the freedom to contact people without shame has really freed the way I view relationships with people and it's brought a bunch of amazing new people into my life. I don't even know how this happened without me noticing, but it's made me very happy to have more friends to talk to (even about niche interests that I didn't think people would care about).
My second point in this "Becks matured and surprised even herself"-post is about work, though I did tell you I wouldn't talk about that today. Mainly though I just mean the anxieties that surrounded me going to work. When I found out I'd be working at summer school I became nervous for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, I've never worked in a customer service job before. I've always been the helper in the back room of the school or the library or the factory, and dealing with actual customers is something that I wasn't sure I could do with confidence. The first few days, a few minutes before the students were down for their breakfast/lunch/dinner I'd get butterflies in my stomach, and after a few nights of the same thing they just kind of faded away. I guess I could say I just, made my anxious side used to it. Or rather, I saw that there wasn't really anything to be nervous about, because these kids couldn't care less about who was serving them their chips. Any customer altercations were referred to my supervisors and therefore I didn't even have to fight with any customers, besides enforcing the "only two pieces of toast per person" rule. My experience at the Military Tattoo was similar. I was nervous I'd be dealing with paying customers for hours every day, but it became something I almost enjoyed. I was kind to people and people were kind to me, and I started seeing how other people see me. I think working in a way where you are seen by people for the duration of your work helps to put yourself in their shoes and see yourself from the outside a little bit. No one from the Tattoo team knew what I was like or who I was, and so it caused me to re-assess what kind of picture I present to the world.
Currently I'm working alongside university at the Starbucks in our atrium. The thought of making coffees for people during rush time made my insides turn a little bit, but I braved it for the money, and now about two weeks in I can say I feel totally comfortable working there, even on my own. Really it's like anything else, once you get used to it, it becomes easier. So, a third situation that has taught me: it's not as bad as you make it out to be in your head, goddamnit Rebecca.
Summer, though stressful and tiring at times, has left me less anxious and more self-aware, and a more open person. I have big plans for this year and my future, and I'm excited to take steps towards being a better me. Even just tiny things, like reading a book I've been wanting to read, makes me feel like I'm being the me that 15-year old Rebecca wanted me to be at 21.
My friends laugh at me when I tell them I feel like I'm stuck in one place for too long if I'm there for more than two years, but it's true. I was feeling a bit antsy about entering my third year at university and deciding to stay for the fourth, because a part of me is so desperate to do as much as I can that staying somewhere this long feels almost like wasting time I could be spending doing something much more exciting. I think it's the leftovers of the rapture-scares I got from various adults in my childhood who, very dramatically, made me feel like I had very little time before the end times, so I better make this time count.
Well, I don't believe the world is going to end anytime soon, but that thought is at the back of my head sometimes, spurring me on to completing my goals.
Yes, I do have bad days, the ones where there's so much I want to do I just don't do any of it and lie in bed on my phone for hours. But, for it being the third week of the new semester in university, I'm still feeling rather positive on the future. I can't lie, part of this is the fact that having worked during summer and having a job now means I have some income that I've been able to use to do another kind of self-betterment. Money can't buy you happiness, but when you spend months and months saving up for things, when you can finally buy them it's a happy time. One of these cases is my ever continuing quest to 'get good at make up'. Really all I've wanted to be able to do was a nice casual look with muted colours, not something from kindergarten/garish 80's film. So, I bought proper make up brushes and make up, so that I can finally put to use all those hours spent watching make up tutorials. It's only been about a month since I got into skincare and it's improved my confidence and helped me learn about how to care for myself.
Another form of cash happiness is being able to plan travels. Before uni, during uni, even during vacations, I've had to save money. For rent, for living costs, for flights home and back. All of this left little to no hope for travelling anywhere new, and it felt like I had made a choice between studying abroad, or staying home and being able to spend my income on travelling. Now, I feel like I can try to achieve both in this year. I've booked flights to go home for a week, but also to go to Germany with my flatmate for Christmas. I'm entertaining the thought of flying down for London for a friend, but my biggest goal, and the reason I've opened a savings account, is that I want to fly to South Korea next summer. I've been wanting to go for a while now, and learning more and more about the culture and language makes me even more excited to visit.
I was telling this to a friend earlier, where I felt like the first step was moving to a country where I spoke the language, but didn't have my family. Going to a country where I don't even really speak the language feels like a step up from there, and while daunting, it does sound very exciting as well.
This was a long post, but the main point is that I'm feeling happy, despite the day to day issues of being tired after work sometimes, or struggling with my appetite, or having to do group work I don't know where to start with.
As I mentioned, I'm flying home to see my family in a week, and I'm excited! Not only at the thought of seeing my friends, family and cats, but also at being able to visit my old high school! The Rebecca that went to that high school was a very different Rebecca, but I feel nostalgic about going and seeing the very hallways and classrooms that helped a lot to form me into the adult I am today. Also, seeing my favourite teachers and convincing them that the things they taught me did come in handy!
Thanks for reading,
A new and improved Becks
I'm so proud, and so happy for you that you came out of this really long summer with such a positive attitude. you'll forever be my motivation, but also I'm really glad about the ways you found to improve your health and yourself. even if they just seem like small things, I felt the change and i could tell you were getting happier. again, i can't emphasize the enough, I'm really really proud of you. you cool human, you. (can't wait to take you to Germany bby.)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words!!! You were a real source of support and friendship and still are. I can't wait for you to take me to Germany!!
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