A brief history of personal shame
Something doesn't feel right about this moment and I cannot seem to figure it out. I was ready to go to bed but I think my thoughts got a bit jumbled and I find my mind unable to concentrate on a single train of thought long enough to let it fade into slumber. My blanket feels wrong and I cannot settle, and so, I'm clinging onto my last hope in achieving some level of concentration and calm.
I fear shame. I fear being shamed. I fear being wrong so much that I often gauge other peoples reactions and opinions and then decide on my stance. This doesn't go for political or social views, those are important enough for me to look at how I personally want to support particular causes because of my experiences. I'm talking about things like movies and books and music. I think my fear of being shamed for liking specific things stems from my need of acceptance. I was bullied at school (now's not really the time for that sob story), and though I've never wanted to "fit in" per se as was always evident by my mismatched way of presenting myself, I did and do want to be accepted. I want to feel validated. I want someone to listen to me and help me feel unashamed.
Shame is such an easy thing to impose on someone. You open yourself up about something you're enthusiastic about (for me those things are now few in number) and you're shot down. So you try again. But when your parade is rained on enough times you just begin to feel like maybe getting the parade going is not worth it anymore. You begin to feel indifferent about a lot of things. A lot of your unabashed childhood passion for things is gone and though that is often a part of growing up, I know plenty adults who are still very passionate about things they love and don't seem to mind when other people don't agree. I on the other hand am so quick to rush to the defense of whatever I'm presenting that often I trample my own joy about it. I'm so scared of being "problematic" that I try to publicly identify the limitations and issues my choice of media contains just so I can make sure people know that I know that what I'm consuming isn't perfect. Because for some reason, in my mind, its easier to cover all the corners myself instead of feeling shamed into seeing the flaws by someone else.
And a big part of that is pride. Swallowing ones pride is really difficult. I'm not really sure if I've ever done it well. Its easier to look at my mistakes from a few years ago and apologize for them, but harder to look at mistakes I made a week ago and apologize for those. Swallowing my pride means feeling shame voluntarily. It is really tough to face something I try so actively to avoid.
Now, this whole bit about shame and pride is making it seem like I don't enjoy anything and am some sort of cynical know-it-all who treats her friends like trash and doesn't seem to learn from it. I'm far from it. Its just, being at university and meeting new people has made me learn more about myself as well (I feel like it always goes that way) and comparing myself to others (in a healthy way I hope) has made me see how I've also changed in the past few years.
For example, me in 2011 was a lot more passionate than me right now. Me in 2011 was incredibly into Doctor Who and Sherlock and online culture in general. I cosplayed and went to cons and meet ups and raved on and on about the shows and the actors and the merchandise. I don't know what exactly happened but in a combination of trying to be mature and not embarrass myself I toned it down a lot. Now, instead of seeing praise and excitement on the websites I frequented, I started seeing a lot of criticism and hate and shaming for those same shows I used to be really into. There's nothing inherently bad with criticism, its just that especially online some people form their criticism in a way that it seems that you are somehow a bad person for still enjoying that piece of media. Seeing that online discontent just furthered my self-imposed alienation from the shows and the circles I hung out with that were related to the shows. Soon enough I had my own inner voice pointing out the problematic elements of specific episodes. And again, there is nothing wrong with pointing out things that need to be improved (representation of women and both racial and sexual minorities for one) but it got to a point where I couldn't enjoy any aspect of it because I kept thinking "oh man this will anger a lot of people online" and nitpicking the episode apart. By now being critical and even mean about people liking the shows had become the popular side. I started to feel embarrassed on behalf of those friends of mine who were still passionate about them. I wanted them to see; I couldn't understand their ignorance. I now realize that it wasn't as much ignorance as them just acknowledging the faults but remaining passionate. It was me who was the one that I should've been embarrassed for. I swayed too easily within the currents of what is "in" and what is "out", and shamed myself out of my passion before anyone else could beat me to it.
I moved away from Western popular culture and started venturing into the anime scene. I surrounded myself with people who liked what I liked. This happened very naturally and it was nice. It was easy to enjoy something unabashedly when you watched it with someone you knew wouldn't judge you for it. It was easy to find more media to consume when your friends were constantly suggesting new things and new meet ups. I ventured further into the cosplay aspect of the culture we were engaging in. I have met so many friends and learned so many useful things through this hobby, and I miss it incredibly. What I have learned about myself now that I had to leave that group of friends back home, is that I need a group of people around me to stay passionate about things. It is too quiet alone, and my head gets too loud. In a group there is space to voice concerns but still enjoy, to bounce ideas off one another and not feel as much shame. Because you're a group, there will always be people who will jump to your defense. Dressing up as an anime character and going to a large convention is scary all alone. But in a group you care less about being embarrassed because you're not the only one. It is true what they say about there being strength in numbers. And now, its not like I've changed completely as a person and rejected all of that. I just have a different group of friends where I currently live, a group that currently does not facilitate the same kind of enthusiasm and energy towards very specific things. I met my anime friends through conventions for the things we loved. I've met my uni friends in uni and so there was no singular connecting interest which means its going to take time to form those special groups.
I veered a bit off course and for that I am sorry. Back to shame. Currently, I'm going through a time in my life where I'm trying to grow as a person. I'm almost 20 years old and I want to become the best version of me. This means a lot of introspection, which I'm sure you can tell not only from this blog but also from this post which are both efforts to present myself a certain way. I'm trying to balance my reading between things I think I should read and things I want to read. I'm learning that there are people who have only known me for 3 months and do not like me. Accepting that I cannot please everyone is a life long task. I often feel the type of paranoia about my personality that some might feel if they thought they had something in their teeth or smeared on their cheek. Like there might be some glaring fault or annoying thing about me that I myself am blind to but others can see, but are just too nice to tell me about. Something they "put up with" because they enjoy other aspects of hanging out with me. And I know that if they told me about it it likely would be something I couldn't really change and would then become extremely self-conscious about. I've weighed in my options and I think right now I rather be paranoid than hear something that might change the way I carry myself. That time will come.
One last anecdote before I try to go to sleep. There is a class I take every Tuesday with my friends where we produce video content from prompts. We use one week for ideas, one for filming and one for editing. At the end of the editing lesson we usually present our work to the class. Now, during every lesson the teacher goes around and comments on things he sees fit to point out. Exposure or framing or white balance, or just a perfect spot to cut a shot into another perspective within the scene. It is all really helpful. But I often see myself trying to make sure the teacher knows I know the faults of our footage before he can say it. It seems like I fear seeming ignorant about it. I fear seeming ignorant about specific issues which is often why I search for opinions online to then build my own out of, because I feel like if I don't have something concise to say about an issue or a movie or a book I'll seem ignorant.
This is likely one of the toughest things I'm going to have to face within myself as I work towards getting a job in the creative industry. Creating things I am unabashedly proud of. Creating and forgetting what other people might think and what my teacher might say and whether or not people or my friends think I'm being pretentious and artsy. I need to remember that creating things is allowing myself to make mistakes, and not let that fear stop me from making anything in the first place, which is mainly how my brain operates. I let out a tiny bit of creativity at once, after I've considered all the possible mistakes I could make, and that leads to a very inconsistent and unsatisfying release of creative energy.
This was a long one and its been an hour and I feel a bit calmer. I think if I put in my earphones and drift off I might forget about that nagging feeling at the back of my brain. Congratulations on getting this far, I often doubt whether or not people ever get to the end of my texts. I'd like to know how far in people get before they click away, because retaining the attention of an audience is rather important for someone aspiring to be a director, isn't it?
-Becks
I fear shame. I fear being shamed. I fear being wrong so much that I often gauge other peoples reactions and opinions and then decide on my stance. This doesn't go for political or social views, those are important enough for me to look at how I personally want to support particular causes because of my experiences. I'm talking about things like movies and books and music. I think my fear of being shamed for liking specific things stems from my need of acceptance. I was bullied at school (now's not really the time for that sob story), and though I've never wanted to "fit in" per se as was always evident by my mismatched way of presenting myself, I did and do want to be accepted. I want to feel validated. I want someone to listen to me and help me feel unashamed.
Shame is such an easy thing to impose on someone. You open yourself up about something you're enthusiastic about (for me those things are now few in number) and you're shot down. So you try again. But when your parade is rained on enough times you just begin to feel like maybe getting the parade going is not worth it anymore. You begin to feel indifferent about a lot of things. A lot of your unabashed childhood passion for things is gone and though that is often a part of growing up, I know plenty adults who are still very passionate about things they love and don't seem to mind when other people don't agree. I on the other hand am so quick to rush to the defense of whatever I'm presenting that often I trample my own joy about it. I'm so scared of being "problematic" that I try to publicly identify the limitations and issues my choice of media contains just so I can make sure people know that I know that what I'm consuming isn't perfect. Because for some reason, in my mind, its easier to cover all the corners myself instead of feeling shamed into seeing the flaws by someone else.
And a big part of that is pride. Swallowing ones pride is really difficult. I'm not really sure if I've ever done it well. Its easier to look at my mistakes from a few years ago and apologize for them, but harder to look at mistakes I made a week ago and apologize for those. Swallowing my pride means feeling shame voluntarily. It is really tough to face something I try so actively to avoid.
Now, this whole bit about shame and pride is making it seem like I don't enjoy anything and am some sort of cynical know-it-all who treats her friends like trash and doesn't seem to learn from it. I'm far from it. Its just, being at university and meeting new people has made me learn more about myself as well (I feel like it always goes that way) and comparing myself to others (in a healthy way I hope) has made me see how I've also changed in the past few years.
For example, me in 2011 was a lot more passionate than me right now. Me in 2011 was incredibly into Doctor Who and Sherlock and online culture in general. I cosplayed and went to cons and meet ups and raved on and on about the shows and the actors and the merchandise. I don't know what exactly happened but in a combination of trying to be mature and not embarrass myself I toned it down a lot. Now, instead of seeing praise and excitement on the websites I frequented, I started seeing a lot of criticism and hate and shaming for those same shows I used to be really into. There's nothing inherently bad with criticism, its just that especially online some people form their criticism in a way that it seems that you are somehow a bad person for still enjoying that piece of media. Seeing that online discontent just furthered my self-imposed alienation from the shows and the circles I hung out with that were related to the shows. Soon enough I had my own inner voice pointing out the problematic elements of specific episodes. And again, there is nothing wrong with pointing out things that need to be improved (representation of women and both racial and sexual minorities for one) but it got to a point where I couldn't enjoy any aspect of it because I kept thinking "oh man this will anger a lot of people online" and nitpicking the episode apart. By now being critical and even mean about people liking the shows had become the popular side. I started to feel embarrassed on behalf of those friends of mine who were still passionate about them. I wanted them to see; I couldn't understand their ignorance. I now realize that it wasn't as much ignorance as them just acknowledging the faults but remaining passionate. It was me who was the one that I should've been embarrassed for. I swayed too easily within the currents of what is "in" and what is "out", and shamed myself out of my passion before anyone else could beat me to it.
I moved away from Western popular culture and started venturing into the anime scene. I surrounded myself with people who liked what I liked. This happened very naturally and it was nice. It was easy to enjoy something unabashedly when you watched it with someone you knew wouldn't judge you for it. It was easy to find more media to consume when your friends were constantly suggesting new things and new meet ups. I ventured further into the cosplay aspect of the culture we were engaging in. I have met so many friends and learned so many useful things through this hobby, and I miss it incredibly. What I have learned about myself now that I had to leave that group of friends back home, is that I need a group of people around me to stay passionate about things. It is too quiet alone, and my head gets too loud. In a group there is space to voice concerns but still enjoy, to bounce ideas off one another and not feel as much shame. Because you're a group, there will always be people who will jump to your defense. Dressing up as an anime character and going to a large convention is scary all alone. But in a group you care less about being embarrassed because you're not the only one. It is true what they say about there being strength in numbers. And now, its not like I've changed completely as a person and rejected all of that. I just have a different group of friends where I currently live, a group that currently does not facilitate the same kind of enthusiasm and energy towards very specific things. I met my anime friends through conventions for the things we loved. I've met my uni friends in uni and so there was no singular connecting interest which means its going to take time to form those special groups.
I veered a bit off course and for that I am sorry. Back to shame. Currently, I'm going through a time in my life where I'm trying to grow as a person. I'm almost 20 years old and I want to become the best version of me. This means a lot of introspection, which I'm sure you can tell not only from this blog but also from this post which are both efforts to present myself a certain way. I'm trying to balance my reading between things I think I should read and things I want to read. I'm learning that there are people who have only known me for 3 months and do not like me. Accepting that I cannot please everyone is a life long task. I often feel the type of paranoia about my personality that some might feel if they thought they had something in their teeth or smeared on their cheek. Like there might be some glaring fault or annoying thing about me that I myself am blind to but others can see, but are just too nice to tell me about. Something they "put up with" because they enjoy other aspects of hanging out with me. And I know that if they told me about it it likely would be something I couldn't really change and would then become extremely self-conscious about. I've weighed in my options and I think right now I rather be paranoid than hear something that might change the way I carry myself. That time will come.
One last anecdote before I try to go to sleep. There is a class I take every Tuesday with my friends where we produce video content from prompts. We use one week for ideas, one for filming and one for editing. At the end of the editing lesson we usually present our work to the class. Now, during every lesson the teacher goes around and comments on things he sees fit to point out. Exposure or framing or white balance, or just a perfect spot to cut a shot into another perspective within the scene. It is all really helpful. But I often see myself trying to make sure the teacher knows I know the faults of our footage before he can say it. It seems like I fear seeming ignorant about it. I fear seeming ignorant about specific issues which is often why I search for opinions online to then build my own out of, because I feel like if I don't have something concise to say about an issue or a movie or a book I'll seem ignorant.
This is likely one of the toughest things I'm going to have to face within myself as I work towards getting a job in the creative industry. Creating things I am unabashedly proud of. Creating and forgetting what other people might think and what my teacher might say and whether or not people or my friends think I'm being pretentious and artsy. I need to remember that creating things is allowing myself to make mistakes, and not let that fear stop me from making anything in the first place, which is mainly how my brain operates. I let out a tiny bit of creativity at once, after I've considered all the possible mistakes I could make, and that leads to a very inconsistent and unsatisfying release of creative energy.
This was a long one and its been an hour and I feel a bit calmer. I think if I put in my earphones and drift off I might forget about that nagging feeling at the back of my brain. Congratulations on getting this far, I often doubt whether or not people ever get to the end of my texts. I'd like to know how far in people get before they click away, because retaining the attention of an audience is rather important for someone aspiring to be a director, isn't it?
-Becks
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