Growing as a person is terrifying
When I said "okay" to getting a drivers license nearly 10 months ago I did so begrudgingly after being worn down by my father. I had heard so many reasons to get one I thought I guess I should, to get it over with. Driving was something I kind of wanted to know how to do but it still scared me.
The next 7 months were the most nerve wracking of my life. The first three weeks of my dad teaching me to drive was me stalling the car and crying 'cause I was afraid and didn't know how to do it. We progressed and I was "good enough" to drive on the actual road with other cars. This was also done with tears in my eyes.
The most horrible of all my experiences in the car was when my dad accidentally gave me directions to the wrong road and I ended up driving on the highway before I was ready. I have never been so angry, crying while trying to survive at 120km/h ON THE HIGHWAY. Terrifying.
Slowly the tears stopped and I could drive without going into hysterics, just bickering with my dad. Every time I had to go driving it was just that; I had to go. Given the choice I would've said no every time because driving filled me with anxiety. Knowing I had to drive in the evening ruined my whole day.
I don't really know what to feel about my dad teaching me because it did make it easier for me to cry in the car (and I practiced twice as long for my license than those in driving school) but at the same time it did make it harder, because we kept getting into fights in the car. After a few back seat experiences my siblings didn't want to come with us anywhere because we'd always fight.
Months ago (early May) I was deemed ready and went to do my driving test. I was nervous for a whole day before, couldn't eat that morning and went into the exam SO NERVOUS I thought I was going to either cry, puke, or both. The driving instructor sensed this I think, and had some sympathy as I bawled my eyes out when I failed. I made stupid mistakes, not having driven with anyone but my dad before. I learned.
I went for my second test a few weeks after the first. I was still not sure of my skills at all. I set myself up for a fall the whole morning again, ready to have to go again in a few weeks. Despite my disbelief I did really well and got through.
After, I had an odd itch to go driving. To make myself better at this thing that caused me so much anguish for 8 months. Its so easy to look at an experience in hindsight and see how it made you grow as a person. I did not feel like I was growing at all during those months, but I guess dealing with my own nervousness and unwillingness, but still going driving was me facing my fears.
Its been three months since I got my license and the nervousness that used to fill me at the beginning of a driving trip are almost gone. In June I drove a friends car for a whole weekend in a city I'd never driven in, and since then I've been driving to all kinds of new places! I feel funny thinking that this was something I was so nervous about.
You know the feeling when you think you can't do something, but you end up doing it, and afterwards you kind of feel like you could tackle anything? Like in that episode of Friends where Rachel makes coffee for the first time and says something like "I can do anything now!", thats kind of what I feel like.
Its so hard to push yourself to do something that makes you nervous, but most times its going to turn out just fine, and you'll end up having passed an obstacle and growing as a person. This all sounds so motivational speech-y but honestly I am still kind of amazed that I have been doing so well in driving. Its funny because I know its sort of a given that people all over the world know how to drive cars, and its no big deal. But I still feel proud, and feel like people should be a little bit proud of me learning to drive, even though that thought probably doesn't even cross their minds because they did not know how much of a struggle it was for me.
Going through this experience has made me a bit better at handling nerves and anxiety for myself. I'm still sort of terrified of moving to another country to study, and to have to handle all my own finances and living and food, but this made me feel like I've passed the first obstacle in becoming an adult. (Not insinuating that in order to become a successful adult you need a drivers license, but for me it was something that makes me feel more mature; being able to transport myself to another place with a car.)
Partly because I survived this, I didn't feel so nervous about going to a tattoo parlor today, and getting my first tattoo. After it was done I even said that the whole experience wasn't as bad or as nerve-wracking as my drivers test. I feel like I'm crossing a pond, and the other side is all I want in life, and I'm currently on one small stone. My drivers license was one of the stepping stones, and getting a tattoo felt like another. By achieving and doing things that scare me or make me nervous I feel like I'm jumping from metaphorical stone to metaphorical stone, slowly becoming the person I want to be.
This post has been lying in my drafts for a while, but today I decided to finish it because I've had enough time to look back and really see myself progress. I hope that you also find a way to face your fears and go through experiences that might scare you. I am proud of myself, and proud of anyone who takes these risks.
This was a less angry post but I still hope it made someone feel something!
-Becks
The next 7 months were the most nerve wracking of my life. The first three weeks of my dad teaching me to drive was me stalling the car and crying 'cause I was afraid and didn't know how to do it. We progressed and I was "good enough" to drive on the actual road with other cars. This was also done with tears in my eyes.
The most horrible of all my experiences in the car was when my dad accidentally gave me directions to the wrong road and I ended up driving on the highway before I was ready. I have never been so angry, crying while trying to survive at 120km/h ON THE HIGHWAY. Terrifying.
Slowly the tears stopped and I could drive without going into hysterics, just bickering with my dad. Every time I had to go driving it was just that; I had to go. Given the choice I would've said no every time because driving filled me with anxiety. Knowing I had to drive in the evening ruined my whole day.
I don't really know what to feel about my dad teaching me because it did make it easier for me to cry in the car (and I practiced twice as long for my license than those in driving school) but at the same time it did make it harder, because we kept getting into fights in the car. After a few back seat experiences my siblings didn't want to come with us anywhere because we'd always fight.
Months ago (early May) I was deemed ready and went to do my driving test. I was nervous for a whole day before, couldn't eat that morning and went into the exam SO NERVOUS I thought I was going to either cry, puke, or both. The driving instructor sensed this I think, and had some sympathy as I bawled my eyes out when I failed. I made stupid mistakes, not having driven with anyone but my dad before. I learned.
I went for my second test a few weeks after the first. I was still not sure of my skills at all. I set myself up for a fall the whole morning again, ready to have to go again in a few weeks. Despite my disbelief I did really well and got through.
After, I had an odd itch to go driving. To make myself better at this thing that caused me so much anguish for 8 months. Its so easy to look at an experience in hindsight and see how it made you grow as a person. I did not feel like I was growing at all during those months, but I guess dealing with my own nervousness and unwillingness, but still going driving was me facing my fears.
Its been three months since I got my license and the nervousness that used to fill me at the beginning of a driving trip are almost gone. In June I drove a friends car for a whole weekend in a city I'd never driven in, and since then I've been driving to all kinds of new places! I feel funny thinking that this was something I was so nervous about.
You know the feeling when you think you can't do something, but you end up doing it, and afterwards you kind of feel like you could tackle anything? Like in that episode of Friends where Rachel makes coffee for the first time and says something like "I can do anything now!", thats kind of what I feel like.
Its so hard to push yourself to do something that makes you nervous, but most times its going to turn out just fine, and you'll end up having passed an obstacle and growing as a person. This all sounds so motivational speech-y but honestly I am still kind of amazed that I have been doing so well in driving. Its funny because I know its sort of a given that people all over the world know how to drive cars, and its no big deal. But I still feel proud, and feel like people should be a little bit proud of me learning to drive, even though that thought probably doesn't even cross their minds because they did not know how much of a struggle it was for me.
Going through this experience has made me a bit better at handling nerves and anxiety for myself. I'm still sort of terrified of moving to another country to study, and to have to handle all my own finances and living and food, but this made me feel like I've passed the first obstacle in becoming an adult. (Not insinuating that in order to become a successful adult you need a drivers license, but for me it was something that makes me feel more mature; being able to transport myself to another place with a car.)
Partly because I survived this, I didn't feel so nervous about going to a tattoo parlor today, and getting my first tattoo. After it was done I even said that the whole experience wasn't as bad or as nerve-wracking as my drivers test. I feel like I'm crossing a pond, and the other side is all I want in life, and I'm currently on one small stone. My drivers license was one of the stepping stones, and getting a tattoo felt like another. By achieving and doing things that scare me or make me nervous I feel like I'm jumping from metaphorical stone to metaphorical stone, slowly becoming the person I want to be.
This post has been lying in my drafts for a while, but today I decided to finish it because I've had enough time to look back and really see myself progress. I hope that you also find a way to face your fears and go through experiences that might scare you. I am proud of myself, and proud of anyone who takes these risks.
This was a less angry post but I still hope it made someone feel something!
-Becks
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