on health problems and being a burden
The past three months have been an uphill journey. Even writing that sentence makes me doubt myself and whether or not I'm over-exaggerating things. But, looking back I can tell that something changed and it's still not better.
I've been tired, to the level of having to nap 2 hours daily besides 9+ hours of sleep at night. I've been anxious, something I usually only am for big things, and find myself retreating into my mind during social gatherings. I lack concentration, motivation, the energy to interact with content previously found interesting. I find myself often feeling sad, feeling hopeless, feeling irritable. Day by day these things have piled up.
Any bad news I hear, no matter how small, makes me choke up, the heavy feeling of impending tears stuck in my throat. I have to force myself to go to social events because I know once I get there I will space out for half the time and struggle talking to others for the other half. The point of small talk has eluded me and I feel tired holding up 'meaningless' conversation.
I thought, maybe I fucked up. I've been a vegan for a bit over a year now and that can easily mess up your iron/b-vitamin/calcium levels if you aren't careful enough. So I went to the doctor's and the blood tests all came back normal. I've been looking into thyroid-malfunction and speaking to a few people who suffer or have suffered from it and the symptoms seemed to match up. Blood tests came back normal for thyroid function too, which has landed me in a cycle of "dear lord if it's not something they can diagnose soon what am I going to do". I've been to a counsellor and am going back again soon, and while talking to her has been helpful for clearing my head she has also made it clear that I do not have depression or any other medicated mental illness, and am merely stressed over a bunch of stuff. So I'm stuck not knowing if it's something mental affecting the physical or the physical affecting the mental.
It's just so tiring when every bad thing I read about the world, whether it be big like a terror attack or small like someone getting bullied online, makes me feel like there's no use doing anything. No use in creating anything or watching anything or even writing anything because it can bring negative consequences and be embarrassing and someone somewhere is going to think I'm stupid.
Every nice moment, every laugh or cool conversation feels like I've been making this all up and that I am just being overdramatic. That when people see me enjoying myself somewhere it'll seem like I'm doing this all for attention. I've started writing this post so many separate times in the past months but all of those times I stopped because I felt like I was being attention seeking, somehow asking for your sympathy. I don't want to be doing any of those things. I just need to write down how I feel, even if just to look back on in the future and see how things got better.
Usually when you're having a bad time, there are friends who will support you and listen to you. This is also the case for me. However, when that need for support lasts for longer than a few weeks it starts to feel like you're being a burden. Like almost every message you send seems to be about you being upset or panicked or sad and it permeates your relationship to the level where you feel like you have to keep apologising for messaging someone, for bothering them with your feelings. Then apologising becomes annoying too; they insist you're not being annoying and that you should stop apologising. But you know that there is a level on which they are feeling burdened by having to listen to you.
I don't even want to get into the proper way to deal with supporting friends, whether we should be trying to solve it and offer solutions, compare the issue to all the bad things already happening in the world, or simply hum and offer a space to be validated and feel like your feelings are real and you can't reason them away.
I know that reasonably I should have the patience to go to the doctor's again, speak to people, feel hopeful that this will be solved and I will get better and gain motivation to exist and create and interact, but it's hard. It's almost too easy to follow your own mind down the rabbit hole and I'm too tired to try to stop it.
I guess this post is simultaneously a life update and an explanation as to why I haven't been writing on this blog or creating any other content. Hopefully it's just a rough patch and I'll be able to get back on my feet when third year begins. Even writing this, knowing that there are people I know suffering from worse feels horrible, so the fact that I'm publishing this is a feat in itself.
Thanks for reading this sad shit,
Becks
I've been tired, to the level of having to nap 2 hours daily besides 9+ hours of sleep at night. I've been anxious, something I usually only am for big things, and find myself retreating into my mind during social gatherings. I lack concentration, motivation, the energy to interact with content previously found interesting. I find myself often feeling sad, feeling hopeless, feeling irritable. Day by day these things have piled up.
Any bad news I hear, no matter how small, makes me choke up, the heavy feeling of impending tears stuck in my throat. I have to force myself to go to social events because I know once I get there I will space out for half the time and struggle talking to others for the other half. The point of small talk has eluded me and I feel tired holding up 'meaningless' conversation.
I thought, maybe I fucked up. I've been a vegan for a bit over a year now and that can easily mess up your iron/b-vitamin/calcium levels if you aren't careful enough. So I went to the doctor's and the blood tests all came back normal. I've been looking into thyroid-malfunction and speaking to a few people who suffer or have suffered from it and the symptoms seemed to match up. Blood tests came back normal for thyroid function too, which has landed me in a cycle of "dear lord if it's not something they can diagnose soon what am I going to do". I've been to a counsellor and am going back again soon, and while talking to her has been helpful for clearing my head she has also made it clear that I do not have depression or any other medicated mental illness, and am merely stressed over a bunch of stuff. So I'm stuck not knowing if it's something mental affecting the physical or the physical affecting the mental.
It's just so tiring when every bad thing I read about the world, whether it be big like a terror attack or small like someone getting bullied online, makes me feel like there's no use doing anything. No use in creating anything or watching anything or even writing anything because it can bring negative consequences and be embarrassing and someone somewhere is going to think I'm stupid.
Every nice moment, every laugh or cool conversation feels like I've been making this all up and that I am just being overdramatic. That when people see me enjoying myself somewhere it'll seem like I'm doing this all for attention. I've started writing this post so many separate times in the past months but all of those times I stopped because I felt like I was being attention seeking, somehow asking for your sympathy. I don't want to be doing any of those things. I just need to write down how I feel, even if just to look back on in the future and see how things got better.
Usually when you're having a bad time, there are friends who will support you and listen to you. This is also the case for me. However, when that need for support lasts for longer than a few weeks it starts to feel like you're being a burden. Like almost every message you send seems to be about you being upset or panicked or sad and it permeates your relationship to the level where you feel like you have to keep apologising for messaging someone, for bothering them with your feelings. Then apologising becomes annoying too; they insist you're not being annoying and that you should stop apologising. But you know that there is a level on which they are feeling burdened by having to listen to you.
I don't even want to get into the proper way to deal with supporting friends, whether we should be trying to solve it and offer solutions, compare the issue to all the bad things already happening in the world, or simply hum and offer a space to be validated and feel like your feelings are real and you can't reason them away.
I know that reasonably I should have the patience to go to the doctor's again, speak to people, feel hopeful that this will be solved and I will get better and gain motivation to exist and create and interact, but it's hard. It's almost too easy to follow your own mind down the rabbit hole and I'm too tired to try to stop it.
I guess this post is simultaneously a life update and an explanation as to why I haven't been writing on this blog or creating any other content. Hopefully it's just a rough patch and I'll be able to get back on my feet when third year begins. Even writing this, knowing that there are people I know suffering from worse feels horrible, so the fact that I'm publishing this is a feat in itself.
Thanks for reading this sad shit,
Becks
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