forgive, never forget
Months ago, I took one of those silly quizzes. Like, "which Harry Potter house are you in" and the like. I rarely do these, mostly because I know I'm a Gryffindor and the rest of the quizzes don't interest me. But there was one about Game of Thrones, and I wanted to know where my characteristics would fit, considering I identify most with either Arya or Daenerys. I took the quiz, and ended up a Targaryen.
You do not need to know anything about Game of Thrones to understand what comes next. The only thing that is relevant from that quiz is that one of the options was "what do you do when someone has wronged you?". My answer was "forgive but never forget", which effectively placed me in Targaryen.
I've had a lot of chances and situations where I needed to forgive people. I've been bullied since I was 10-years old and that bullying didn't stop when I started 7th grade, it just changed form. Instead of knocking me down or hitting me it was now the kind of bullying teenage girls do, ignoring me and leaving me out of the group. I came to terms with this pretty quickly and though it really hurt me I had no option but to move on, so I made my own friends from lower classes, and eventually became "one of the guys" with the three guys in my class, since they actually paid me attention.
At times when I was crying in our kitchen at home about something that had happened at school my dad would always say "you have to forgive them Rebecca." I tried, I really tried, and eventually I think I got rid of my resentment ( it took me until the end of my first year of high school) even though I'm still working on it a bit. But I have not forgotten. I still remember every small thing that happened to me, because I feel like if I forget it then it will no longer help me remember what I've been through and what to avoid.
I feel like remembering the ways I've been wronged helps me avoid that in the future. I don't know if this is a correct way of thinking but for me forgiving and forgetting lets off that person too easily and means I would be putting myself out there to get hurt again. Remembering builds my character.
This doesn't mean I mull around every bad thing that has happened to me in my head all day long, no. That I have some sort of throne I sit on and as soon as I get home from school I sit in it and count back the years and name all the people and instances that I've been hurt by/in. That would make me a very bitter very sad and angry human being. I know some of my friends are laughing now, because I am bitter, but believe me, I could be a lot more bitter.
I guess the good news is that I haven't had to forgive someone in ages. The last time I had to try to overcome my own feelings of hurt and anger and forgive another person was 8 months ago. I'm counting myself lucky for that, because the resentment from it lasted for probably the next 5 months.
I'm not sure if I even have a point with this post. I'm just writing my feelings which often turns out very scattered. I guess this is like a small flashing neon sign at the side of the road that leads to me, saying "be careful, Rebecca doesn't forget".
I'm not mature, not in that way. My dad and my friends tell me I should let it go, that I'd be a happier person if I let go all the bad things but thats just not how I function. Letting go of all the bad stuff would make me happier yeah, but not the kind of happy I want to be. I want to be the kind of happy that learns and avoids people and situations based on the past, and lets the past help build the future. I'm not erasing my experiences, they're what made me what I am and ignoring that hurt would be ignoring parts of me.
I know there are a lot of people who are appalled at my type of forgiving, and would say that forgiving that does not forget is not forgiving at all. I'd like elaboration on that, because I can't understand that kind of thinking. I think I'm too self-centered for that.
Thanks for reading my sometimes incoherent thoughts,
-Becks
(P.S. Don't think I'm not aware of how I've hurt people, I know. This post focuses on my hurt mostly because its my blog about me and my feelings, and counting back how I've hurt people would probably make me hate myself and stop writing all together. So do not think I have forgotten my own actions, I am aware. I'd hate for someone to read this and scoff at how unaware I am of the consequences of my own actions)
I've had a lot of chances and situations where I needed to forgive people. I've been bullied since I was 10-years old and that bullying didn't stop when I started 7th grade, it just changed form. Instead of knocking me down or hitting me it was now the kind of bullying teenage girls do, ignoring me and leaving me out of the group. I came to terms with this pretty quickly and though it really hurt me I had no option but to move on, so I made my own friends from lower classes, and eventually became "one of the guys" with the three guys in my class, since they actually paid me attention.
At times when I was crying in our kitchen at home about something that had happened at school my dad would always say "you have to forgive them Rebecca." I tried, I really tried, and eventually I think I got rid of my resentment ( it took me until the end of my first year of high school) even though I'm still working on it a bit. But I have not forgotten. I still remember every small thing that happened to me, because I feel like if I forget it then it will no longer help me remember what I've been through and what to avoid.
I feel like remembering the ways I've been wronged helps me avoid that in the future. I don't know if this is a correct way of thinking but for me forgiving and forgetting lets off that person too easily and means I would be putting myself out there to get hurt again. Remembering builds my character.
This doesn't mean I mull around every bad thing that has happened to me in my head all day long, no. That I have some sort of throne I sit on and as soon as I get home from school I sit in it and count back the years and name all the people and instances that I've been hurt by/in. That would make me a very bitter very sad and angry human being. I know some of my friends are laughing now, because I am bitter, but believe me, I could be a lot more bitter.
I guess the good news is that I haven't had to forgive someone in ages. The last time I had to try to overcome my own feelings of hurt and anger and forgive another person was 8 months ago. I'm counting myself lucky for that, because the resentment from it lasted for probably the next 5 months.
I'm not sure if I even have a point with this post. I'm just writing my feelings which often turns out very scattered. I guess this is like a small flashing neon sign at the side of the road that leads to me, saying "be careful, Rebecca doesn't forget".
I'm not mature, not in that way. My dad and my friends tell me I should let it go, that I'd be a happier person if I let go all the bad things but thats just not how I function. Letting go of all the bad stuff would make me happier yeah, but not the kind of happy I want to be. I want to be the kind of happy that learns and avoids people and situations based on the past, and lets the past help build the future. I'm not erasing my experiences, they're what made me what I am and ignoring that hurt would be ignoring parts of me.
I know there are a lot of people who are appalled at my type of forgiving, and would say that forgiving that does not forget is not forgiving at all. I'd like elaboration on that, because I can't understand that kind of thinking. I think I'm too self-centered for that.
Thanks for reading my sometimes incoherent thoughts,
-Becks
(P.S. Don't think I'm not aware of how I've hurt people, I know. This post focuses on my hurt mostly because its my blog about me and my feelings, and counting back how I've hurt people would probably make me hate myself and stop writing all together. So do not think I have forgotten my own actions, I am aware. I'd hate for someone to read this and scoff at how unaware I am of the consequences of my own actions)
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