On being constant and stable
Sometimes I feel like nothing about me is constant. I change my hair, my opinions, my clothing, my attitude, my feelings, and nothing stays the same. My mood can swing from happy to frustrated within a few hours and sometimes my bad moods can last for weeks. I know this is "normal teenage behaviour" but really I feel like I'm a lot less constant than all of my friends. I'm supposed to be going to university soon and live practically on my own, and though I'm excited I'm also worried.
I was getting dressed for school yesterday and was really excited about my outfit. I wondered what it would be like to be someone who dresses in that style everyday, someone whose entire style is like that. People who know me know that I tend to dress in a way that is very non-constant. Some days I have my pink Hello Kitty backpack and a weird choker that looks like a dog collar. Other days I wear jeans and a simple t-shirt. My shoes have wings on them. I'm not very good at keeping to one single style, even though sometimes I really try to.
I love the idea of being constant in the way you dress. A few pairs of pants, similar tops and hoodies and cardigans and nice shoes and a fitting bag. Nothing too risky or all over the place, just constant. I seem to have missed that memo, and it frustrates me sometimes how I can never be sure if what I'm wearing is too weird or not, because I honestly just pull on what I feel comfortable in that day and wear it. This is not some kind of "please glorify me as your manic pixie dream girl"-thing, I honestly look back on my outfits from a week ago thinking what the hell I was thinking. People who have their style in check somehow seem like people who also have control of their lives. You know the type of person, the one that has their make up perfect and nails nice and a good bag and a healthy breakfast and everything about them screams IN CONTROL AND SATISFIED.
Emotions is another thing I'd like to be stable in. Day to day life I can handle pretty well, sometimes when I haven't slept enough I can get really cranky and that is normal I know. But then there are those days or even weeks where every single tiny thing irritates me. The way someone holds their fork and lifts food into their mouth is a thing that I have found myself getting way too angry about. People folding the corners of the pages in books. Even just a specific TV-show that my friends keep talking about can make me so mad.
Because of my emotional instability at times I don't really trust myself with people. Making huge commitments that are dependent highly on me being constant in how I feel about something is something I've learned I'm really bad at. I don't mean that I can be your friend for weeks and then stop hanging out with you, no, just that if we make a deal that we're going to hang out for the next two months every day in school I'm not going to be able to commit to that. I don't know myself and my feelings enough to control them. I know I know "don't be so weak don't let your feelings go all over the place you gotta decide to do something and then just do it by the power of your will" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND I will get so uncomfortable in situations that I do not want to be in that I will ruin my relationships with people. It is not easy to "decide" to be constant.
My moods sometimes swing so violently that at one point a few years ago I was honestly googling bipolar disorder symptoms. I was scared that the way my moods change is too frantic, too dramatic. Turns out I was just being an overdramatic teenager again, but still, I do have the moods of a three-year old most times. I can't stick with decisions I've made, I get annoyed at small things and then let those things completely ruin my day.
Sunday was International Women's Day, and as I arrived home in the morning from a friends' house, there was nothing special at home. I went to pilates class and as we were walking back with my sisters I sent a message to our family whatsapp group EXPLICITLY ASKING for something sweet to eat in honor of it being Women's Day and all. Even when my dad and my brother came home later, carrying some flowers and candy, I didn't feel satisfied. To me it mattered that they didn't think of it themselves, that I had to ask for it. I ate maybe one of those candies, but I was still feeling annoyed the whole day because of it.
I've often thought about getting a therapist. I'm neurotypical and everything, yes, but I just feel like talking to someone who only knows me would give such a fresh look on things. Someone who doesn't know my school, or my friends, or my family. Someone who can only judge me on who I am and what I tell about myself, not based on anything else. Also I just really like talking and discussion, so getting help at the same time from someone who knows how to help people seems like a good idea, yes? Therapists are expensive though, and there's still a lot of stigma around it I feel? Like if I say somewhere that yeah, I have therapy now, people will look at me and start wondering what is wrong with me. Am I not just allowed to want to talk to someone about my problems and how I feel, even if I am neurotypical and thus not in immediate need of any sort of serious help?
Because I am unable to be constant myself, I am jealous of those who are. And when I'm jealous, I make fun of people. I laugh at their instagram tags, I comment on their food choices, I keep remarking how I hate the fact that they seem to be happy every day. This is a really shitty habit I'm trying to get rid of, but its just so much easier to make fun of people who seem to be in control, than to be forced to look at myself and realize that I have to TRY SO HARD if I want the same, and even then it might not ever happen to the extend I want it to happen.
This post has been the most unimportant of the ones I've written yet, and I feel like I've just spilled all my thoughts onto a piece of paper but I wanted to write it anyway. Here's hoping next time I can write something a bit more coherent.
Thanks yo,
Becks
I was getting dressed for school yesterday and was really excited about my outfit. I wondered what it would be like to be someone who dresses in that style everyday, someone whose entire style is like that. People who know me know that I tend to dress in a way that is very non-constant. Some days I have my pink Hello Kitty backpack and a weird choker that looks like a dog collar. Other days I wear jeans and a simple t-shirt. My shoes have wings on them. I'm not very good at keeping to one single style, even though sometimes I really try to.
I love the idea of being constant in the way you dress. A few pairs of pants, similar tops and hoodies and cardigans and nice shoes and a fitting bag. Nothing too risky or all over the place, just constant. I seem to have missed that memo, and it frustrates me sometimes how I can never be sure if what I'm wearing is too weird or not, because I honestly just pull on what I feel comfortable in that day and wear it. This is not some kind of "please glorify me as your manic pixie dream girl"-thing, I honestly look back on my outfits from a week ago thinking what the hell I was thinking. People who have their style in check somehow seem like people who also have control of their lives. You know the type of person, the one that has their make up perfect and nails nice and a good bag and a healthy breakfast and everything about them screams IN CONTROL AND SATISFIED.
Emotions is another thing I'd like to be stable in. Day to day life I can handle pretty well, sometimes when I haven't slept enough I can get really cranky and that is normal I know. But then there are those days or even weeks where every single tiny thing irritates me. The way someone holds their fork and lifts food into their mouth is a thing that I have found myself getting way too angry about. People folding the corners of the pages in books. Even just a specific TV-show that my friends keep talking about can make me so mad.
Because of my emotional instability at times I don't really trust myself with people. Making huge commitments that are dependent highly on me being constant in how I feel about something is something I've learned I'm really bad at. I don't mean that I can be your friend for weeks and then stop hanging out with you, no, just that if we make a deal that we're going to hang out for the next two months every day in school I'm not going to be able to commit to that. I don't know myself and my feelings enough to control them. I know I know "don't be so weak don't let your feelings go all over the place you gotta decide to do something and then just do it by the power of your will" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND I will get so uncomfortable in situations that I do not want to be in that I will ruin my relationships with people. It is not easy to "decide" to be constant.
My moods sometimes swing so violently that at one point a few years ago I was honestly googling bipolar disorder symptoms. I was scared that the way my moods change is too frantic, too dramatic. Turns out I was just being an overdramatic teenager again, but still, I do have the moods of a three-year old most times. I can't stick with decisions I've made, I get annoyed at small things and then let those things completely ruin my day.
Sunday was International Women's Day, and as I arrived home in the morning from a friends' house, there was nothing special at home. I went to pilates class and as we were walking back with my sisters I sent a message to our family whatsapp group EXPLICITLY ASKING for something sweet to eat in honor of it being Women's Day and all. Even when my dad and my brother came home later, carrying some flowers and candy, I didn't feel satisfied. To me it mattered that they didn't think of it themselves, that I had to ask for it. I ate maybe one of those candies, but I was still feeling annoyed the whole day because of it.
I've often thought about getting a therapist. I'm neurotypical and everything, yes, but I just feel like talking to someone who only knows me would give such a fresh look on things. Someone who doesn't know my school, or my friends, or my family. Someone who can only judge me on who I am and what I tell about myself, not based on anything else. Also I just really like talking and discussion, so getting help at the same time from someone who knows how to help people seems like a good idea, yes? Therapists are expensive though, and there's still a lot of stigma around it I feel? Like if I say somewhere that yeah, I have therapy now, people will look at me and start wondering what is wrong with me. Am I not just allowed to want to talk to someone about my problems and how I feel, even if I am neurotypical and thus not in immediate need of any sort of serious help?
Because I am unable to be constant myself, I am jealous of those who are. And when I'm jealous, I make fun of people. I laugh at their instagram tags, I comment on their food choices, I keep remarking how I hate the fact that they seem to be happy every day. This is a really shitty habit I'm trying to get rid of, but its just so much easier to make fun of people who seem to be in control, than to be forced to look at myself and realize that I have to TRY SO HARD if I want the same, and even then it might not ever happen to the extend I want it to happen.
This post has been the most unimportant of the ones I've written yet, and I feel like I've just spilled all my thoughts onto a piece of paper but I wanted to write it anyway. Here's hoping next time I can write something a bit more coherent.
Thanks yo,
Becks
Comments
Post a Comment