Why the idea of being "half of a whole" is bullshit
Before I start on this seemingly bitter and cynical rant about love and soul mates I need you to understand that I am not, in fact, either of those. Well, not completely. Hell, I'm 20-years old, barely dipping my feet in the pond of actual life, who am I to talk about love with any kind of authority whatsoever? So let it be known that I'm writing this post merely from the point of view of a young woman who has grown up in modern society, drank in the discourse surrounding love and relationships, and as someone who has never been in love.
There's a specific set of ideologies and thoughts surrounding the idea of soul mates. Usually these revolve around there being one soul, or person, out there for you, and that you are meant to be together, and that cosmic forces have determined this. Take for example the story Plato tells, where Zeus in his anger split up us humans into two pieces, condemning us to spend our lives searching for that other half that would complete us (useful and widely used comic with the same idea here: http://imgur.com/gallery/H0f1u ). No one tells you how to find this soul mate and how to recognize them, but you're merely convinced that yes, this is an actual thing. Maybe it's because we as humans have the extraordinary ability to hold on to hope? Even in times where there seems to be none, we comfort ourselves with these myths.
Soul mate theory has permeated our culture so deeply that people can easily say they believe in it and no one will really bat an eye, except maybe to raise the same issues I'm about to expand upon. It's no longer seen as something absolutely ridiculous to believe in, because of the half-truths people use to justify their belief. Stories of grandparents fighting their way to each other through world wars, of strangers near-missing each other for years before the stars align and they finally meet each other, of that lady next door who has the most wonderful marriage because they are "soul mates". It's so much easier to be in love and say "we were like two halves, I didn't feel complete without you" than it is to not be in love and say "I feel like half of a whole." How are you supposed to know what it feels like to be a half when you don't know what it's like being a whole? And so, the myth of soul mates and one true love continue to weave their way into our songs and our movies and our books as they have been for centuries. This is where I get into my issue with this theory.
Romantic comedies and romantic novels, really all mainstream genres of romance have been, and currently are, marketed towards mainly women. Because women are largely seen as being in tune with their emotions much more than men, they are therefore more likely to enjoy consuming content that panders to and centers around emotions. An "obsession" with finding true love developed partly because of the way women have been treated in history, first belonging to their father and then to their husbands. Up until a certain point women's place was the home, and they did little outside of that sphere. It only makes sense that they would dedicate a significant amount of time obsessing over what kind of person they were going to be chained to for the rest of their lives. We can see this obsession in books written by women, like the works of Jane Austen or the Bronte Sisters. Pride and Prejudice is the classic story of these sisters having nothing else to do but to search for the right husband, and Wuthering Heights provides a perfect example of soul mate theory and the idea of there only really being one person out there for you, and if it doesn't work out you'll be doomed to a life of sadness.
The way this has translated to modern society is by taking a similar form. Instead of stories of women finding a man and spending their lives cooking and cleaning and raising their children, we have stories of independent women working in the big city, hanging out with their friends, but feeling lost and alone and incomplete until they find Mr. Right. We're given the illusion that its totally okay to be career driven and independent and want to do things in your own way, but that at the end of the day we're going to have to settle down, and really the sooner the better. The same romantic comedy plot has been used over and over again until it's almost become a parody of itself. It's 2016, and yet finding a story with a female lead that does not end up revolving around a man is still a tougher job than you'd think. And yes, I understand it's because society is and has and always will revolve around love (and there is nothing wrong with making cultural products about love), but it's been skewed by old tradition and we seem to still be stuck in the past, asking our daughters and granddaughter's whether they've found a nice man to settle down with yet, as if that was something that was an obvious goal for everyone. I'm not going to even dive into the heteronormativity of this genre and the tradition surrounding it, because it's almost one in the morning and I've got way too much to say, but let me just say that heteronormativity is also bullshit.
So, because we are surrounded with these stories that often end the same way, we see them as a pattern we need to model our own lives on. It's really a simple case of biology and psychology when you think about it. If my friend kept telling me about how happy she was now that she had bought herself an apple, and that she really liked the apple, and made songs and movies about how much that apple completed her, I'd start to want an apple too. It's a natural response to want something that is presented in such positive light. Even the things about how love sucks and breaks your heart and is horrible is then flipped as being "worth it" to feel love again. The age old "better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all." This is all fine and okay, and I'm not saying I've not been this kind of person or that there's anything inherently wrong with wanting to find love (I remember being 15 and crying my eyes out at romantic acoustic covers, damn you Ed Sheeran...) but there's a point where this need to find love goes too far.
If you tell people they are halves of a whole you are telling them they are not good enough as they are. You are telling them they are still incomplete, and that they need another person to become better and be happier. This is a deeply problematic idea. No matter how much someone makes you feel happy and complete, at the end of the day you are your own person. You cannot make another person your home. You cannot rely on another person for every second of your day, because you are a separate being. I fully believe that love can create special things and that two people working together is something beautiful, but its becoming more rare that this love, or relationship, lasts a lifetime. How are we as humans supposed to survive heartbreak and loss when we are told we are not right without another person? How are we supposed to function as individuals when true love is painted as something that we need to ultimately strive for, but we are given no instructions on how to achieve it. It's maddening.
It bothers me so much to see young women and girls obsessed with finding boyfriends and husbands at such a young age. I don't expect everyone to have the same ambitions and independence as I do, and it's totally fine to want to settle down etc. but I know for a fact that this need for another "half" is often a result of internalizing society's expectations for us, to the point where we can't really separate our genuine needs and wants from what we think we need and want. I know I sound a bit like a conspiracy theorist here, claiming we've been brainwashed by society etc. but I think you get my point. When you stop and think about it, really think about it, how much of that "oh my god I need to find a girlfriend/boyfriend" is genuine loneliness and yearning for a partner, and how much of it is merely wanting what others have for the sake of having it. Kind of like that thing as a kid where you'd be fine with the toy you had but when someone else had a cool looking toy you wanted that instead just because they had it, and totally ignored the toy you had even though your toy could have easily been better anyway. Not a popular analogy, granted, but you get my point. Even if there wasn't a double standard in romance and finding love I'd be concerned, but the fact that there is a gender difference in how the issue is treated just makes it even more hecked up.
I've rambled on for quite a while now, and really the point I'm trying to make is: you are whole. You are complete, you are everything you need to be and though life is a process and you'll never feel like you've completely become the person you have the potential to be, you don't need another person to make you the best version of you. If you end up finding someone who makes you feel like a better version of yourself, someone who you feel you belong with, that's fantastic. As long as you understand that there is no obligation to do this, and that you are not cursed if you never end up having the "soul mate"-connection with someone. Really, most of the time you're going to end up in at least one relationship in your lifetime and you're allowed to want it and believe in it, and there's no shame in that. It's more the idea of one true love that is ancient and creates immense amounts of pressure and would make even the most sane person question their relationship, so just don't dedicate your time to finding someone that fits this fairytale mold. Be your own "true love". (That sounds like something off of an inspirational quote website, but I believe in the gist of it. At the end of the day the only person that is definitely going to be there for you every time is yourself.)
Cynical love thoughts aside, I hope if you made it this far you have some thoughts you'd like to contribute! I often have a limited point of view concerning the things I write about and would definitely like to hear about any new angles or things I might not even be aware of, so don't hesitate to comment! I swear I'm not a bitter spinster (yet) so if you're in a happy relationship don't worry I don't hate you I'm merely sick and tired of being asked if I have a boyfriend yet, when I'm trying my hardest to resist giving in to the ever so disappointing ache of being constantly jealous and letting my loneliness hinder me from actually achieving things.
Thanks for reading,
Becks
There's a specific set of ideologies and thoughts surrounding the idea of soul mates. Usually these revolve around there being one soul, or person, out there for you, and that you are meant to be together, and that cosmic forces have determined this. Take for example the story Plato tells, where Zeus in his anger split up us humans into two pieces, condemning us to spend our lives searching for that other half that would complete us (useful and widely used comic with the same idea here: http://imgur.com/gallery/H0f1u ). No one tells you how to find this soul mate and how to recognize them, but you're merely convinced that yes, this is an actual thing. Maybe it's because we as humans have the extraordinary ability to hold on to hope? Even in times where there seems to be none, we comfort ourselves with these myths.
Soul mate theory has permeated our culture so deeply that people can easily say they believe in it and no one will really bat an eye, except maybe to raise the same issues I'm about to expand upon. It's no longer seen as something absolutely ridiculous to believe in, because of the half-truths people use to justify their belief. Stories of grandparents fighting their way to each other through world wars, of strangers near-missing each other for years before the stars align and they finally meet each other, of that lady next door who has the most wonderful marriage because they are "soul mates". It's so much easier to be in love and say "we were like two halves, I didn't feel complete without you" than it is to not be in love and say "I feel like half of a whole." How are you supposed to know what it feels like to be a half when you don't know what it's like being a whole? And so, the myth of soul mates and one true love continue to weave their way into our songs and our movies and our books as they have been for centuries. This is where I get into my issue with this theory.
Romantic comedies and romantic novels, really all mainstream genres of romance have been, and currently are, marketed towards mainly women. Because women are largely seen as being in tune with their emotions much more than men, they are therefore more likely to enjoy consuming content that panders to and centers around emotions. An "obsession" with finding true love developed partly because of the way women have been treated in history, first belonging to their father and then to their husbands. Up until a certain point women's place was the home, and they did little outside of that sphere. It only makes sense that they would dedicate a significant amount of time obsessing over what kind of person they were going to be chained to for the rest of their lives. We can see this obsession in books written by women, like the works of Jane Austen or the Bronte Sisters. Pride and Prejudice is the classic story of these sisters having nothing else to do but to search for the right husband, and Wuthering Heights provides a perfect example of soul mate theory and the idea of there only really being one person out there for you, and if it doesn't work out you'll be doomed to a life of sadness.
The way this has translated to modern society is by taking a similar form. Instead of stories of women finding a man and spending their lives cooking and cleaning and raising their children, we have stories of independent women working in the big city, hanging out with their friends, but feeling lost and alone and incomplete until they find Mr. Right. We're given the illusion that its totally okay to be career driven and independent and want to do things in your own way, but that at the end of the day we're going to have to settle down, and really the sooner the better. The same romantic comedy plot has been used over and over again until it's almost become a parody of itself. It's 2016, and yet finding a story with a female lead that does not end up revolving around a man is still a tougher job than you'd think. And yes, I understand it's because society is and has and always will revolve around love (and there is nothing wrong with making cultural products about love), but it's been skewed by old tradition and we seem to still be stuck in the past, asking our daughters and granddaughter's whether they've found a nice man to settle down with yet, as if that was something that was an obvious goal for everyone. I'm not going to even dive into the heteronormativity of this genre and the tradition surrounding it, because it's almost one in the morning and I've got way too much to say, but let me just say that heteronormativity is also bullshit.
So, because we are surrounded with these stories that often end the same way, we see them as a pattern we need to model our own lives on. It's really a simple case of biology and psychology when you think about it. If my friend kept telling me about how happy she was now that she had bought herself an apple, and that she really liked the apple, and made songs and movies about how much that apple completed her, I'd start to want an apple too. It's a natural response to want something that is presented in such positive light. Even the things about how love sucks and breaks your heart and is horrible is then flipped as being "worth it" to feel love again. The age old "better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all." This is all fine and okay, and I'm not saying I've not been this kind of person or that there's anything inherently wrong with wanting to find love (I remember being 15 and crying my eyes out at romantic acoustic covers, damn you Ed Sheeran...) but there's a point where this need to find love goes too far.
If you tell people they are halves of a whole you are telling them they are not good enough as they are. You are telling them they are still incomplete, and that they need another person to become better and be happier. This is a deeply problematic idea. No matter how much someone makes you feel happy and complete, at the end of the day you are your own person. You cannot make another person your home. You cannot rely on another person for every second of your day, because you are a separate being. I fully believe that love can create special things and that two people working together is something beautiful, but its becoming more rare that this love, or relationship, lasts a lifetime. How are we as humans supposed to survive heartbreak and loss when we are told we are not right without another person? How are we supposed to function as individuals when true love is painted as something that we need to ultimately strive for, but we are given no instructions on how to achieve it. It's maddening.
It bothers me so much to see young women and girls obsessed with finding boyfriends and husbands at such a young age. I don't expect everyone to have the same ambitions and independence as I do, and it's totally fine to want to settle down etc. but I know for a fact that this need for another "half" is often a result of internalizing society's expectations for us, to the point where we can't really separate our genuine needs and wants from what we think we need and want. I know I sound a bit like a conspiracy theorist here, claiming we've been brainwashed by society etc. but I think you get my point. When you stop and think about it, really think about it, how much of that "oh my god I need to find a girlfriend/boyfriend" is genuine loneliness and yearning for a partner, and how much of it is merely wanting what others have for the sake of having it. Kind of like that thing as a kid where you'd be fine with the toy you had but when someone else had a cool looking toy you wanted that instead just because they had it, and totally ignored the toy you had even though your toy could have easily been better anyway. Not a popular analogy, granted, but you get my point. Even if there wasn't a double standard in romance and finding love I'd be concerned, but the fact that there is a gender difference in how the issue is treated just makes it even more hecked up.
I've rambled on for quite a while now, and really the point I'm trying to make is: you are whole. You are complete, you are everything you need to be and though life is a process and you'll never feel like you've completely become the person you have the potential to be, you don't need another person to make you the best version of you. If you end up finding someone who makes you feel like a better version of yourself, someone who you feel you belong with, that's fantastic. As long as you understand that there is no obligation to do this, and that you are not cursed if you never end up having the "soul mate"-connection with someone. Really, most of the time you're going to end up in at least one relationship in your lifetime and you're allowed to want it and believe in it, and there's no shame in that. It's more the idea of one true love that is ancient and creates immense amounts of pressure and would make even the most sane person question their relationship, so just don't dedicate your time to finding someone that fits this fairytale mold. Be your own "true love". (That sounds like something off of an inspirational quote website, but I believe in the gist of it. At the end of the day the only person that is definitely going to be there for you every time is yourself.)
Cynical love thoughts aside, I hope if you made it this far you have some thoughts you'd like to contribute! I often have a limited point of view concerning the things I write about and would definitely like to hear about any new angles or things I might not even be aware of, so don't hesitate to comment! I swear I'm not a bitter spinster (yet) so if you're in a happy relationship don't worry I don't hate you I'm merely sick and tired of being asked if I have a boyfriend yet, when I'm trying my hardest to resist giving in to the ever so disappointing ache of being constantly jealous and letting my loneliness hinder me from actually achieving things.
Thanks for reading,
Becks
I get what you're saying, it is especially tough for girls to have an identity that isn't attached to having a significant other. That same ideology doesn't really play out the same way for guys even when you use the soul mate theory.
ReplyDeleteA guy can be married and have kids, but be known first as a top tier businessman above knowing anything about his family life. While a woman in the same position will be known as loving a mother and wife immediately, all other accomplishments come after. This wouldn't really be an issue if it didn't almost always play out this way. Creating the rhetoric that her role in life was to be this mans wife and this child's mom, that she's doing her duties and she just so happens to have a job too. While the rhetoric for the guy suggest he can literally do anything and if he happens to have a wife and kids too, well he just has it all.
21st century woman you can pretty much make up the rules, love it just happens. I think it's best not to going rushing in because of any type of pressure. "When are you going to get a boyfriend" tell whoever that having a boyfriend isn't something you are concerned with having right now, and that it will happen when it happens, that YOU WILL LET THEM. Hopefully that ceases the interrogating for a bit.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I'm glad I'm not the only one seeing the unfairness of the situation. Thankfully I'm not really interrogated on this anymore after so many years of saying "no, and I don't plan on having one any time soon" :D
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