On apathy, jealousy and Holden Caulfield
I think it's in Easy A, where the main character Olive talks about how it's funny that in movies the material you're studying in school always seems to have some relationship or meaning in the struggles you're currently going through. I guess I could say something similar to my own life, though it isn't material in school, rather just a book I'm reading on my own.
The last month or so has been really tough on me, mentally speaking. I'm not going to go into the gory details as that would be over sharing and would possibly lead to me never being able to look anyone in the eye ever again. But, this tough time has made me feel a whole bunch of feelings, mostly in the negatives. Now, however, after the biggest storm has passed, I'm left feeling very apathetic.
You know the kind of apathy that permeates your whole life, where things you were previously interested in just don't seem that great anymore, and you don't feel like putting in effort to see anyone because what's the point anyway? It's that.
Because I'm boring and pretentious I decided to try my luck at reading Catcher in the Rye again (my 12-year old self's attempt was less than successful, and I now understand why ) and though it may seem predictable, I find myself echoing a lot of Holden Caulfield's sentiments about life in general. I'm not going to dive into the concept of authenticity, because that is a whole other field of study, and while I find myself echoing his pointless wandering and search for something with actual meaning, the way he describes things as being "phony" or annoying really hit a point home for me.
Holden keeps planning things, going to them and then not feeling like doing it after all. He finds people "phony", boring and inauthentic and destined to lead a life not worth much. He's wandering pointlessly, trying to find something worthwhile, and I feel the same way. I think so far the part I've identified with the most is his thoughts while walking in the park on Sunday, and it's all empty: "It didn't seem at all like Christmas was coming soon. It didn't seem like anything was coming."
My excitement for things like Christmas is non-existent, I don't care about the lights or the sweaters or the hot chocolate or the tree or the elves. None of it interests me at all. I'm like a little grinch, going around muttering to myself how stupid it is that people care about Christmas. Deep inside I don't really think they're stupid for liking things like Christmas, but I'm jealous they can summon the enthusiasm, and not be damned with cynicism. I know being world weary comes with age and different life situations, but it's a hell of a shitty time. I know I'll enjoy being home with my family and food and gifts, but the "YAY YAY CHRISTMAS" vibe will never be my thing.
Jealousy itself is the source of my problems, really. Jealousy for others and their happiness, jealousy over things that I might not even want, things that I'm not even specifically interested in. And it's so hard to stop being jealous, because in order to do that you need to find your own life satisfying enough to not have to worry about what others have that you don't.
I keep spacing out a lot, thinking about nothing. The mere idea of specific things gets me into a bad mood, and I become snappy and bitter. Sometimes I get angry at things that don't really even deserve anger, but I just need something to channel my aggression through. All of these issues, just like jealousy, lead down the road to my own feelings of self worth.
It's easy to be happy around friends, laugh at things and enjoy conversation. But when those times are no longer the same, maybe you see your friends less or you've moved away, or you just have a lot of school work to do and can't see them, your mental state changes too. I'm the kind of person who isolates themselves when they're upset. I push everyone away, avoid situations where I have to deal with the source of my issues and stay in my mind. I go through the cycle of "it's their fault I hate them, no it's my fault I'm being shitty, see this is why you don't deserve love, you should isolate yourself more so you don't cause more trouble, but that's shitty, it's their fault...." ad infinitum. I know I've made posts about relationships here on this blog before, and I know I seem very world weary about them, and I kind of am. Every time a friend starts dating someone I go through the same process more or less. I feel like I'm somehow worth less, I get jealous of the person who gets to spend time with them more, I start to feel lonely, then I want someone to date too, but my wariness and fear to be romantically interested in someone leads me to believe it wouldn't work out even if I tried, so why try, because I don't deserve that kind of love. And then the icing on the cake, "maybe I'm meant to be alone."
It really scares me to think that it's possible for someone who really desires love and companionship to never find it. Just because you really want it doesn't mean you'll get it, and so there's a chance you'll be unhappy with that part of your life forever. Sure, statistically speaking people are likely to find romantic partners, but it's not impossible to be left alone, for whatever reason. People say "it'll happen when you're least expecting it", but if you never get out of your head enough to not be expecting it, will it ever happen? What if you're driving away your possibilities by overanalyzing and stressing over everything? It's like when people tell you to not think about elephants, and then the only thing you can think about is elephants.
I think part of the reason for this feeling of hopelessness in terms of being alone is that I don't really have roots anywhere because I'm in between two countries. I have my friends and family at home, but lately I'm feeling more and more distant from those friends, and I don't know what to do. Because of that I'm leaning a lot more on my friends here in Scotland, so when things go south with any of them I'm left feeling confused and kind of like someone turned off the gravity and I'm just floating there. The only person I really have is me, but I'm not very good company for myself. The thing about being confused is, it's hard to concentrate on any single thought process for long, so explaining to people what you're feeling is difficult, especially if your moods fluctuate and you feel the opposite the next day. My inner turmoil has mellowed out from this, no worries, but there were a few days this month where my mind was going in circles in silence for hours.
At the end of the day its not a life and death situation for me. I'm still enjoying day to day activities, I'm doing well in school, and I have a roof over my head and friends who are supportive. But I'm still stuck with this feeling of apathy, of nothing really mattering at the end of the day. I know it will pass in time but for now I'm just trying to make it until the end of the semester so I can clear my head and hope to start again in the new year.
Again, thank you for making it this far, and feel free to contribute to the discussion in your own way.
-Becks
The last month or so has been really tough on me, mentally speaking. I'm not going to go into the gory details as that would be over sharing and would possibly lead to me never being able to look anyone in the eye ever again. But, this tough time has made me feel a whole bunch of feelings, mostly in the negatives. Now, however, after the biggest storm has passed, I'm left feeling very apathetic.
You know the kind of apathy that permeates your whole life, where things you were previously interested in just don't seem that great anymore, and you don't feel like putting in effort to see anyone because what's the point anyway? It's that.
Because I'm boring and pretentious I decided to try my luck at reading Catcher in the Rye again (my 12-year old self's attempt was less than successful, and I now understand why ) and though it may seem predictable, I find myself echoing a lot of Holden Caulfield's sentiments about life in general. I'm not going to dive into the concept of authenticity, because that is a whole other field of study, and while I find myself echoing his pointless wandering and search for something with actual meaning, the way he describes things as being "phony" or annoying really hit a point home for me.
Holden keeps planning things, going to them and then not feeling like doing it after all. He finds people "phony", boring and inauthentic and destined to lead a life not worth much. He's wandering pointlessly, trying to find something worthwhile, and I feel the same way. I think so far the part I've identified with the most is his thoughts while walking in the park on Sunday, and it's all empty: "It didn't seem at all like Christmas was coming soon. It didn't seem like anything was coming."
My excitement for things like Christmas is non-existent, I don't care about the lights or the sweaters or the hot chocolate or the tree or the elves. None of it interests me at all. I'm like a little grinch, going around muttering to myself how stupid it is that people care about Christmas. Deep inside I don't really think they're stupid for liking things like Christmas, but I'm jealous they can summon the enthusiasm, and not be damned with cynicism. I know being world weary comes with age and different life situations, but it's a hell of a shitty time. I know I'll enjoy being home with my family and food and gifts, but the "YAY YAY CHRISTMAS" vibe will never be my thing.
Jealousy itself is the source of my problems, really. Jealousy for others and their happiness, jealousy over things that I might not even want, things that I'm not even specifically interested in. And it's so hard to stop being jealous, because in order to do that you need to find your own life satisfying enough to not have to worry about what others have that you don't.
I keep spacing out a lot, thinking about nothing. The mere idea of specific things gets me into a bad mood, and I become snappy and bitter. Sometimes I get angry at things that don't really even deserve anger, but I just need something to channel my aggression through. All of these issues, just like jealousy, lead down the road to my own feelings of self worth.
It's easy to be happy around friends, laugh at things and enjoy conversation. But when those times are no longer the same, maybe you see your friends less or you've moved away, or you just have a lot of school work to do and can't see them, your mental state changes too. I'm the kind of person who isolates themselves when they're upset. I push everyone away, avoid situations where I have to deal with the source of my issues and stay in my mind. I go through the cycle of "it's their fault I hate them, no it's my fault I'm being shitty, see this is why you don't deserve love, you should isolate yourself more so you don't cause more trouble, but that's shitty, it's their fault...." ad infinitum. I know I've made posts about relationships here on this blog before, and I know I seem very world weary about them, and I kind of am. Every time a friend starts dating someone I go through the same process more or less. I feel like I'm somehow worth less, I get jealous of the person who gets to spend time with them more, I start to feel lonely, then I want someone to date too, but my wariness and fear to be romantically interested in someone leads me to believe it wouldn't work out even if I tried, so why try, because I don't deserve that kind of love. And then the icing on the cake, "maybe I'm meant to be alone."
It really scares me to think that it's possible for someone who really desires love and companionship to never find it. Just because you really want it doesn't mean you'll get it, and so there's a chance you'll be unhappy with that part of your life forever. Sure, statistically speaking people are likely to find romantic partners, but it's not impossible to be left alone, for whatever reason. People say "it'll happen when you're least expecting it", but if you never get out of your head enough to not be expecting it, will it ever happen? What if you're driving away your possibilities by overanalyzing and stressing over everything? It's like when people tell you to not think about elephants, and then the only thing you can think about is elephants.
I think part of the reason for this feeling of hopelessness in terms of being alone is that I don't really have roots anywhere because I'm in between two countries. I have my friends and family at home, but lately I'm feeling more and more distant from those friends, and I don't know what to do. Because of that I'm leaning a lot more on my friends here in Scotland, so when things go south with any of them I'm left feeling confused and kind of like someone turned off the gravity and I'm just floating there. The only person I really have is me, but I'm not very good company for myself. The thing about being confused is, it's hard to concentrate on any single thought process for long, so explaining to people what you're feeling is difficult, especially if your moods fluctuate and you feel the opposite the next day. My inner turmoil has mellowed out from this, no worries, but there were a few days this month where my mind was going in circles in silence for hours.
At the end of the day its not a life and death situation for me. I'm still enjoying day to day activities, I'm doing well in school, and I have a roof over my head and friends who are supportive. But I'm still stuck with this feeling of apathy, of nothing really mattering at the end of the day. I know it will pass in time but for now I'm just trying to make it until the end of the semester so I can clear my head and hope to start again in the new year.
Again, thank you for making it this far, and feel free to contribute to the discussion in your own way.
-Becks
Remember child. There will be many around you to offer their support if you need it!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that a lot. I'm just not very good at reaching out to people, but also understand that people might not want to reach out to me for fear of how I might react. I wish I could somehow communicate that I am always open to people sending me messages, because I fear starting them.
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