On hating other girls
I'm being really honest right now. I know I pride myself in being a feminist and I firmly believe in lifting up female excellence. But I've had to face the fact, in the last year or so, that I have internalized misogyny that I've been carrying for a while now. I don't condone hate, and I don't want people to think I'm without fault and without flawed thinking while I go around feeling this way about other girls. So I wanted to write something about it. This is a complex issue, and I'm still not quite sure how to express the thoughts I have.
I have found myself disliking other girls, and not just in the past. I don't know what it is, that particularly annoys me about other girls. I don't want to use the word "other" as somehow setting me apart from the female population. I just mean girls that are girly, as opposed to how I see myself (more of a floater in between). I know that I don't feel this towards boys. This is most likely because there is always competition between girls. We are set up as rivals as we grow up, and if you aren't accepted into the girl group in school your experience will change a lot. I was never a big part of the girl groups in school. Sure, I had a few best friends but eventually they all faded away and I spent my years in junior high hanging out with the boys in our class because I didn't "fit in" with the girls.
There's also a toxic idea that somehow being like the general population of girls in this world is bad. That if you're a "basic bitch" or "white girl" who enjoys Starbucks and buying clothes from regular stores you're something that some girls want to set themselves apart from. Lord knows I've made jokes about this before, but I'd like to think I've seen the error of my ways. The words "I'm not like other girls" often precede sentences that are inherently misogynistic. Often these self-descriptions are aimed at guys, guys we want to impress by putting down other girls. "I'm not like those other girls, I like Van Gogh and The Smiths and black coffee! I like all the bizarro bands that you like!" If the first part of "not like other girls" was removed, that would be a fine way of describing yourself. But making ourselves seem special by putting down girls who happen to enjoy things that a majority of girls like is toxic and an unhealthy way of lifting our self-image.
I've been thinking about this, why I dislike certain girls, and why its not all girls, but only very specific ones. It's not like hating a guy, where they've done something stupid and I dislike them for their actions. It's often something I have a hard time explaining. Because I know that most of it is just jealousy. Some of it is jealousy of how boys want other girls. I mean, I don't really care if boys like me or not. I don't want that to define me, or any other girl frankly. But it does hurt me when a discussion I'm having with a guy is interrupted because the male in question found the girl that cut me off more interesting. He turned away, continuing some trivial conversation with this girl that was clearly more aesthetically appealing (and apparently interesting) than me. I was insulted, and not because I wanted to be liked. Because I wanted to be respected. It wasn't her fault that he turned away from me and talked to her, yet I wanted to blame it on her because it was easier to keep hating her.
I was always under the impression that if someone is good at something, they must be bad at something else. That nobody's perfect. One thing that I know makes me dislike other girls is their ability at seeming perfect. As far as I know, they are perfect. Good grades, a healthy breakfast, a job that pays well enough to fund fresh produce in your kitchen every morning and an outfit that is on point most days of the week. A non-chalant way of breezing through school, no cracks showing in your foundation. I would like to be able to juggle my personal life and my school life like you too, with enough sleep and no mental breakdowns. I understand why boys like you. I know you must not be perfect, I haven't seen any signs of you having any big problems or issues or mental breakdowns et cetera, but I still know through reason that you are not perfect. No one is. I guess seeing these girls every day prancing through life, seeing only the most superficial part of their lives, doesn't give me the real picture. But it does make me dislike them, because I'm jealous. I'm jealous I can't seem that in control. I'm jealous I'm not getting grades that are as good (because I don't have the self control you have to study as much), I'm jealous I don't have the same energy to get up and make myself a healthy breakfast and am stuck with icky yoghurt instead.
And because I'm jealous, I start to pick out specific things to stand in for my actual reasons of jealousy. There's nothing wrong with smoothie, or yoga pants, or being excited about things, but for some reason I hate all of these things when its a specific person they are connected to. I don't dislike happy people, but on specific people I want to wipe the ever glowing smile of their faces. Just to convince myself everyone has bad days. That I'm not alone in this. I want to see these people unhappy sometimes so that I can make myself feel better? That's really messed up.
I know that this is bad, that I shouldn't hate other people let alone other girls. Because yes, we are all females that face similar oppression and prejudice and get paid the same .75 cents to the dollar of our male classmates (using America as an example here). We should be united, loving each other and helping each other through our struggles. Lord knows we need each others support. But when I can't see any indication of you actually struggling with anything its hard for me to empathize with you, to like you. I'm painfully aware of how flawed my thinking is, but sometimes I can't seem to make myself stop.
Now I'm not saying that you're not allowed to dislike girls ever. Of course we should treat men and women equally and if a girl does something fucked up and hurts us or our friends we have the right to be just as angry with them as we would be if it was a guy who did these things. Everyone should be held responsible for their actions. But anger and hate and jealousy towards other girls when they've done nothing to hurt us is wrong.
I hope I can grow in this area, because as fun as it sometimes is to gossip about other people and revel in hate, its not healthy. For me as a person or universally. I hope that this helped some people see into why I have disliked/dislike specific girls and that I understand why I'm doing it and that it is wrong. I do want you to know that there are only maybe one or two people that I dislike this much. I hope you don't think I am a bad person after this, and if you as relate to this at all please let me know! Also if you think I'm a bad person. Maybe I need to be told off, so if you have good points please do.
-Becks
I have found myself disliking other girls, and not just in the past. I don't know what it is, that particularly annoys me about other girls. I don't want to use the word "other" as somehow setting me apart from the female population. I just mean girls that are girly, as opposed to how I see myself (more of a floater in between). I know that I don't feel this towards boys. This is most likely because there is always competition between girls. We are set up as rivals as we grow up, and if you aren't accepted into the girl group in school your experience will change a lot. I was never a big part of the girl groups in school. Sure, I had a few best friends but eventually they all faded away and I spent my years in junior high hanging out with the boys in our class because I didn't "fit in" with the girls.
There's also a toxic idea that somehow being like the general population of girls in this world is bad. That if you're a "basic bitch" or "white girl" who enjoys Starbucks and buying clothes from regular stores you're something that some girls want to set themselves apart from. Lord knows I've made jokes about this before, but I'd like to think I've seen the error of my ways. The words "I'm not like other girls" often precede sentences that are inherently misogynistic. Often these self-descriptions are aimed at guys, guys we want to impress by putting down other girls. "I'm not like those other girls, I like Van Gogh and The Smiths and black coffee! I like all the bizarro bands that you like!" If the first part of "not like other girls" was removed, that would be a fine way of describing yourself. But making ourselves seem special by putting down girls who happen to enjoy things that a majority of girls like is toxic and an unhealthy way of lifting our self-image.
I've been thinking about this, why I dislike certain girls, and why its not all girls, but only very specific ones. It's not like hating a guy, where they've done something stupid and I dislike them for their actions. It's often something I have a hard time explaining. Because I know that most of it is just jealousy. Some of it is jealousy of how boys want other girls. I mean, I don't really care if boys like me or not. I don't want that to define me, or any other girl frankly. But it does hurt me when a discussion I'm having with a guy is interrupted because the male in question found the girl that cut me off more interesting. He turned away, continuing some trivial conversation with this girl that was clearly more aesthetically appealing (and apparently interesting) than me. I was insulted, and not because I wanted to be liked. Because I wanted to be respected. It wasn't her fault that he turned away from me and talked to her, yet I wanted to blame it on her because it was easier to keep hating her.
I was always under the impression that if someone is good at something, they must be bad at something else. That nobody's perfect. One thing that I know makes me dislike other girls is their ability at seeming perfect. As far as I know, they are perfect. Good grades, a healthy breakfast, a job that pays well enough to fund fresh produce in your kitchen every morning and an outfit that is on point most days of the week. A non-chalant way of breezing through school, no cracks showing in your foundation. I would like to be able to juggle my personal life and my school life like you too, with enough sleep and no mental breakdowns. I understand why boys like you. I know you must not be perfect, I haven't seen any signs of you having any big problems or issues or mental breakdowns et cetera, but I still know through reason that you are not perfect. No one is. I guess seeing these girls every day prancing through life, seeing only the most superficial part of their lives, doesn't give me the real picture. But it does make me dislike them, because I'm jealous. I'm jealous I can't seem that in control. I'm jealous I'm not getting grades that are as good (because I don't have the self control you have to study as much), I'm jealous I don't have the same energy to get up and make myself a healthy breakfast and am stuck with icky yoghurt instead.
And because I'm jealous, I start to pick out specific things to stand in for my actual reasons of jealousy. There's nothing wrong with smoothie, or yoga pants, or being excited about things, but for some reason I hate all of these things when its a specific person they are connected to. I don't dislike happy people, but on specific people I want to wipe the ever glowing smile of their faces. Just to convince myself everyone has bad days. That I'm not alone in this. I want to see these people unhappy sometimes so that I can make myself feel better? That's really messed up.
I know that this is bad, that I shouldn't hate other people let alone other girls. Because yes, we are all females that face similar oppression and prejudice and get paid the same .75 cents to the dollar of our male classmates (using America as an example here). We should be united, loving each other and helping each other through our struggles. Lord knows we need each others support. But when I can't see any indication of you actually struggling with anything its hard for me to empathize with you, to like you. I'm painfully aware of how flawed my thinking is, but sometimes I can't seem to make myself stop.
Now I'm not saying that you're not allowed to dislike girls ever. Of course we should treat men and women equally and if a girl does something fucked up and hurts us or our friends we have the right to be just as angry with them as we would be if it was a guy who did these things. Everyone should be held responsible for their actions. But anger and hate and jealousy towards other girls when they've done nothing to hurt us is wrong.
I hope I can grow in this area, because as fun as it sometimes is to gossip about other people and revel in hate, its not healthy. For me as a person or universally. I hope that this helped some people see into why I have disliked/dislike specific girls and that I understand why I'm doing it and that it is wrong. I do want you to know that there are only maybe one or two people that I dislike this much. I hope you don't think I am a bad person after this, and if you as relate to this at all please let me know! Also if you think I'm a bad person. Maybe I need to be told off, so if you have good points please do.
-Becks
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