sometimes quiet is violent

Maybe the books in our life wait for the right time for us to read them. This thought came to me as I sat on my floor having just finished writing in my diary for the day. I've spent the last three evenings reading a few chapters of The Fellowship of the Ring to help me get to sleep, and the ease at which I read this book has surprised me. I remember taking up the same book six or seven years ago and having to stop reading it before I even got a hundred pages in, because the language was too difficult and too boring for me to be entertained. I'd seen the movies many times by then, so I assumed I wasn't really missing much anyway (I was wrong). Over on Christmas holiday I saw the book on my parents' bookshelf and decided to take it with me, "for the flight" I told myself. I'd been avoiding the book for a while, thinking it was just too difficult for me to read, but as I opened it again a few days ago, just trying to find something I could read before be...

Recently I’ve been involved in a situation that has brought a lot of anxiety into my life. Anxiety I didn’t know I could have. So, the past six days have been like a grey cloud over me. The base feeling is always fear. I don’t want to go outside my flat alone, outside my room alone, in the elevator alone. My confidence has plummeted; I tried filming a video yesterday and everything about it felt off. I feel like everyone is whispering about me, that misinformation is spreading of me, like everyone I meet knows something about me I don’t. I’ve always been someone who flinches at loud noises, but that has just been turned up a notch. I flinch at noises outside my window and sounds in my hallway. I was feeling a bit better about everything last night, like the grudge that was being held would be forgotten soon, and then people came to my door at four in the morning and said some rude things and made noise. I was absolutely terrified and now I feel like all the progress I’ve been ...

Hi guys! So as some of you might have noticed, I have recently begun making new videos for my youtube channel. Those that have been around since 2011 know that I have been making them for several years, but most of those videos are hidden now. Really, I have several reasons why I have started creating things in video form again, and I'm discovering new problems that didn't really affect me back in 2011 and 2012. Some of the main differences between 15-year old me and 20-year old me are very easy to point out. 15-year old me cared less what people thought, was less of a perfectionist, and wasn't comparing herself to other video makers. 20-year old me is highly self aware of absolutely EVERYTHING concerning her video making process. I saved up and upgraded from a little 70€ Canon digital camera to the Canon 700D (my first DSLR I'm so proud), but the camera only changes the quality, not the content. I, as I'm aware most creative types, suffer from all kinds of anxi...