Confrontation is scary
Hi! Its been a while, I've been studying for exams and waiting outside for hours for movie tickets, the usual. I was watching a movie yesterday though, and I got "inspired" (debates on whether or not inspiration happens will be discussed at a later date) and so I decided to write this blog post.
I don't know if you guys do this, but when a tv-show or a movie is really really intense emotionally, I have to pause it. I pause to catch up with my own feelings, to calm down before the confrontation happens, or just because I do not want to continue. I am terrified of confrontation. Really. I mean, I'm really empathetic when it comes to movies, and I can't watch Mr.Bean films because of second-hand embarrassment, but my fear of confrontation extends to the shows and movies I watch. I often stop watching shows (Game of Thrones, Shameless, to name a few) because they are too "dramatic" and I get easily attached to characters and seeing them go through bad things hurts me. I've started to learn to talk myself down from these panicky pause moments though. This happened yesterday as I watched "Ten things I hate about you". The moment of confrontation was just happening and I couldn't deal with it. I paused it, switched tabs and scrolled tumblr for a moment. I knew I had to continue the movie, I wanted to reach the end, so I did the usual "They are not real Rebecca" talk and finished the movie.
This is not always the case. Sometimes I ditch the entire series. I started to study why I felt this way, being very "psychological" and trying to get to the bottom of why I couldn't deal with confrontation in movies. I didn't come to any mind blowing conclusions really, its just how I am. But I do know that my fear of confrontation in movies comes from the fact that its something I fear in real life too, not just when it happens to characters that are not real. I tend to run away from feelings or situations where people are open about their emotions. To be honest thats probably one of the (many) reasons I have never "really" dated anyone. When the moment of honesty comes I am terrified and I talk myself out of it. I find reasons as to why I can't commit to the situation, why I can't go on. This happened for one of the first times when I was in grade 5. 12 years old, I liked this kid in my class. He was the cutest boy in the school, I swear. A charmer with long hair and chocolate colored eyes. EVERYONE liked him. I really wanted him to pay attention to me. So, obviously, I ended up "dating" his best friend. Really I did it because I didn't want to disappoint the boy who asked me out, and all the cool kids where dating so I ended up doing it too. Really I hesitate to call it dating because as soon as it was "official" I could only talk to him on my phone or on MSN messenger (this was 2008) but when I saw him face to face at school or after school I couldn't even say "hi", I was so scared. I didn't want to confront him with the fact that I didn't want to be with him anymore so I ended up "dating" him for two months. Eventually I broke up with him with a note saying I "couldn't do it incase my mom finds out". I mean, that was true too, but really I just became so nervous around him that I didn't want to do it anymore. I had been to scared to say no, and I had to deal with months of nervousness because of it.
I don't really understand this anymore because a year later when I was living in Canada I had another "boyfriend". We dated for one week, and whenever I saw him I was very quiet and shy. I know thats normal, but really, all the other kids who were dating were hugging and kissing and as soon as I heard my boyfriend wanted to hug me I ran away and avoided him. I liked him, I really did, but I was terrified of showing my feelings or being the receiver of someone else's feelings. I don't really know why I was so scared, he was nice and its not like he was going to try anything suspicious, we were 13 and the only times I saw him was between lessons in hallways full of people (and once at a school dance).
I still do this a lot, run away from my feelings and situations like that. Two years ago I convinced myself that I didn't like a guy I really liked because I was terrified of committing myself to "the unknown". People tell me I'm really assertive (my family thinks too much so, every time someone says something remotely against women my brother comments: "now you've woken the beast" when my ears perk up), but that doesn't mean I'm assertive about everything in my life. Equality, yes. My feelings when someone has hurt me, not really. I talk about it at home and to my friends yeah, but I don't confront the other person. That means I would have to face the situation head on, without knowing what's going to happen. Thats incredibly scary, but also something I guess I have to learn in order to become an adult?
My parents have told me I've always tried to please everyone. Now its not as clear, since I'm very direct about my opinions about certain matters, but deep inside I still do want people to be happy with me. I don't want to disappoint the people that matter, I don't want them to feel like I've purposefully done something wrong to them. This is why when people confront me it's hard to react. I try not to be too defensive, but it often turns out so because if I stop being defensive I start to feel like a horrible person. Really, you could be confronting me about the fact that I said something shitty yesterday and I'd start feeling like all I say is shitty and that I'm a horrible person for even opening my mouth. I can't always handle negative feedback and so I do the wrong thing and defend my actions and deflect, which prolongs the confrontation and makes the other person feel like I haven't understood.
This sucks, really, this whole emotions thing. Why are they so complicated? I often wonder how people deal with girlfriends and boyfriends and such. I'd feel so vulnerable, always being honest about my feelings without knowing what the response would be. Confronting and being confronted with problematic situations. I mean, yeah, its possible to grow in that area, and I do try. But its just really really hard to go against your instincts that are "protect yourself and leave now".
I know a lot of friends might be reading this. I know many of you have noticed this about me, and it annoys you. I apologize. Not in the "its just who I am" way, but in the "I'm really sorry and I'm trying my best"-way. Please have patience with me. If you feel like there's something wedged in our friendship that is making things unnecessarily awkward or uncomfortable for you, please tell me. I still think I'd rather you confronted me than miserably pretended everything is okay when its not. For me, its a choice I make, because sometimes confrontation means destruction. For an already frail relationship confrontation and honesty on a big scale can break that. I rather have a sometimes problematic friendship than break it off with someone completely and then feel like a horrible person for the rest of my years for cutting someone out of my life just because they did some things I didn't like or because some habit of theirs annoyed me.
I have no idea if there is any point to this post. I really just wanted to write out my feelings, maybe to see if others have struggled/are struggling with this? Please do tell me if you've found ways to face confrontation, I'd really love to know. I'm getting better at it with movies and TV-shows, because I know that ultimately they have to have some sort of a happy ending (except Game of Thrones), but in real life that isn't guaranteed. Confrontation doesn't come with a "both sides will leave happy" guarantee and that is scary because you never know what you're getting into, what it can lead to depending on the words and reactions of both sides. I'd like if there was a risk-free way of confrontation but sadly that isn't the case. I guess instead of erasing that fear I just need to learn to take more risks concerning relationships? Its a mystery.
Thanks for reading and putting up with possible inconsistencies or illogicalities.
- Becks
(p.s. I noticed the font on the next post is totally different than this font, but I can't seem to fix it. Sorry if that bothers all of you people concerned with aesthetics)
I don't know if you guys do this, but when a tv-show or a movie is really really intense emotionally, I have to pause it. I pause to catch up with my own feelings, to calm down before the confrontation happens, or just because I do not want to continue. I am terrified of confrontation. Really. I mean, I'm really empathetic when it comes to movies, and I can't watch Mr.Bean films because of second-hand embarrassment, but my fear of confrontation extends to the shows and movies I watch. I often stop watching shows (Game of Thrones, Shameless, to name a few) because they are too "dramatic" and I get easily attached to characters and seeing them go through bad things hurts me. I've started to learn to talk myself down from these panicky pause moments though. This happened yesterday as I watched "Ten things I hate about you". The moment of confrontation was just happening and I couldn't deal with it. I paused it, switched tabs and scrolled tumblr for a moment. I knew I had to continue the movie, I wanted to reach the end, so I did the usual "They are not real Rebecca" talk and finished the movie.
This is not always the case. Sometimes I ditch the entire series. I started to study why I felt this way, being very "psychological" and trying to get to the bottom of why I couldn't deal with confrontation in movies. I didn't come to any mind blowing conclusions really, its just how I am. But I do know that my fear of confrontation in movies comes from the fact that its something I fear in real life too, not just when it happens to characters that are not real. I tend to run away from feelings or situations where people are open about their emotions. To be honest thats probably one of the (many) reasons I have never "really" dated anyone. When the moment of honesty comes I am terrified and I talk myself out of it. I find reasons as to why I can't commit to the situation, why I can't go on. This happened for one of the first times when I was in grade 5. 12 years old, I liked this kid in my class. He was the cutest boy in the school, I swear. A charmer with long hair and chocolate colored eyes. EVERYONE liked him. I really wanted him to pay attention to me. So, obviously, I ended up "dating" his best friend. Really I did it because I didn't want to disappoint the boy who asked me out, and all the cool kids where dating so I ended up doing it too. Really I hesitate to call it dating because as soon as it was "official" I could only talk to him on my phone or on MSN messenger (this was 2008) but when I saw him face to face at school or after school I couldn't even say "hi", I was so scared. I didn't want to confront him with the fact that I didn't want to be with him anymore so I ended up "dating" him for two months. Eventually I broke up with him with a note saying I "couldn't do it incase my mom finds out". I mean, that was true too, but really I just became so nervous around him that I didn't want to do it anymore. I had been to scared to say no, and I had to deal with months of nervousness because of it.
I don't really understand this anymore because a year later when I was living in Canada I had another "boyfriend". We dated for one week, and whenever I saw him I was very quiet and shy. I know thats normal, but really, all the other kids who were dating were hugging and kissing and as soon as I heard my boyfriend wanted to hug me I ran away and avoided him. I liked him, I really did, but I was terrified of showing my feelings or being the receiver of someone else's feelings. I don't really know why I was so scared, he was nice and its not like he was going to try anything suspicious, we were 13 and the only times I saw him was between lessons in hallways full of people (and once at a school dance).
I still do this a lot, run away from my feelings and situations like that. Two years ago I convinced myself that I didn't like a guy I really liked because I was terrified of committing myself to "the unknown". People tell me I'm really assertive (my family thinks too much so, every time someone says something remotely against women my brother comments: "now you've woken the beast" when my ears perk up), but that doesn't mean I'm assertive about everything in my life. Equality, yes. My feelings when someone has hurt me, not really. I talk about it at home and to my friends yeah, but I don't confront the other person. That means I would have to face the situation head on, without knowing what's going to happen. Thats incredibly scary, but also something I guess I have to learn in order to become an adult?
My parents have told me I've always tried to please everyone. Now its not as clear, since I'm very direct about my opinions about certain matters, but deep inside I still do want people to be happy with me. I don't want to disappoint the people that matter, I don't want them to feel like I've purposefully done something wrong to them. This is why when people confront me it's hard to react. I try not to be too defensive, but it often turns out so because if I stop being defensive I start to feel like a horrible person. Really, you could be confronting me about the fact that I said something shitty yesterday and I'd start feeling like all I say is shitty and that I'm a horrible person for even opening my mouth. I can't always handle negative feedback and so I do the wrong thing and defend my actions and deflect, which prolongs the confrontation and makes the other person feel like I haven't understood.
This sucks, really, this whole emotions thing. Why are they so complicated? I often wonder how people deal with girlfriends and boyfriends and such. I'd feel so vulnerable, always being honest about my feelings without knowing what the response would be. Confronting and being confronted with problematic situations. I mean, yeah, its possible to grow in that area, and I do try. But its just really really hard to go against your instincts that are "protect yourself and leave now".
I know a lot of friends might be reading this. I know many of you have noticed this about me, and it annoys you. I apologize. Not in the "its just who I am" way, but in the "I'm really sorry and I'm trying my best"-way. Please have patience with me. If you feel like there's something wedged in our friendship that is making things unnecessarily awkward or uncomfortable for you, please tell me. I still think I'd rather you confronted me than miserably pretended everything is okay when its not. For me, its a choice I make, because sometimes confrontation means destruction. For an already frail relationship confrontation and honesty on a big scale can break that. I rather have a sometimes problematic friendship than break it off with someone completely and then feel like a horrible person for the rest of my years for cutting someone out of my life just because they did some things I didn't like or because some habit of theirs annoyed me.
I have no idea if there is any point to this post. I really just wanted to write out my feelings, maybe to see if others have struggled/are struggling with this? Please do tell me if you've found ways to face confrontation, I'd really love to know. I'm getting better at it with movies and TV-shows, because I know that ultimately they have to have some sort of a happy ending (except Game of Thrones), but in real life that isn't guaranteed. Confrontation doesn't come with a "both sides will leave happy" guarantee and that is scary because you never know what you're getting into, what it can lead to depending on the words and reactions of both sides. I'd like if there was a risk-free way of confrontation but sadly that isn't the case. I guess instead of erasing that fear I just need to learn to take more risks concerning relationships? Its a mystery.
Thanks for reading and putting up with possible inconsistencies or illogicalities.
- Becks
(p.s. I noticed the font on the next post is totally different than this font, but I can't seem to fix it. Sorry if that bothers all of you people concerned with aesthetics)
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